April 14, 2005
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Minister of Theoretical Financer
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FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE
In over 15 Cities, Billionaires Tell Taxpayers "Thank YOU For Paying OUR Fair Share¨
New York, N.Y., Thursday, April 14, 2005 — On Friday, April 15, Billionaires For Bush (B4B), advocates for the corporate elite, will joyfully gather on the steps of post offices around the country for their biggest fundraiser of the year: Tax Day. This is the day on which the vast majority of Americans transfer their wealth to the tiny minority of super rich Americans. Billionaires will be on hand to cut out the middleman (aka the Internal Revenue Service) and collect checks directly from ordinary American taxpayers.
"Why delay the inevitable?" asked Billionaire Minister of Misinformation, Tex Shelter. "Skip the tedious lines and use our golden mailbox! It's so convenient for emptying your account into mine."
This year, the super-rich have much to be grateful for. In 2004, over $69 billion in tax revenues were returned to the richest 3.7% of Americans. The five siblings who inherited the Wal-Mart fortune received $986,000,000 in tax cuts. Even mere millionaires await checks that average $125,000, while middle- and working-class Americans can expect an average tax break of $383 (sort of). Best of all for Billionaires, the middle class will see the $383 disappear through stealth taxes on health care, education, parking tickets, pay tolls, public transportation, property taxes, and other fees that disproportionately affect working Americans. "And that's how it should be," said Monet Oliver D'Place, Billionaires for Bush National Co-Chair.
Of Friday's celebration/collection, Billionaire CFO Dr. DeBooks explained: "We feel we owe it to the American public not only to thank them for paying our fair share, but also to show them what they now owe. Let Tax Day also be Invoice Day." To that end, Billionaires will be presenting invoices to last-minute taxpayers for everything from the national debt (an average of $26,500 per person), the cost of the war in Iraq ($551 per person) and the current trade and budget deficits ($2,040 and $1,045 per person, respectively).
Billionaires have welcomed the increase in the percentage of federal revenues drawn from payroll taxes, now 40%: "Tax work, not wealth! I inherited my fortune, so I really don't need to work. And if I don't work, why would I be taxed?" declared heiress Emma Nentdomaine. Repealing the dynasty tax, as President Bush wants to do, would protect $1 trillion for the super-rich.
Responding to those naysayers who point out that record surpluses have been turned into record deficits in just four short years, Billionaires are quick to note that this is a problem for ordinary Americans, not Billionaires. "Look, we all know that the president could shore up Medicare and Social Security through the end of his great-grandson's presidency if he just rolled back our tax cuts," noted Billionaire Rich Mansburden. "Fortunately, he agrees with us that money for me today is far more important than money for you tomorrow. Or today. Or any time, really."
And things are only looking better for Billionaires for Bush. Next year, two provisions of the 2001 tax bill come into effect that will give 54% of tax cuts to the richest 0.2% of taxpayers. Ninety-seven percent of tax cuts will go to the 3.7% of households making over $200,000 per year. Households earning $75,000-100,000 will get $1 (one dollar). Those with incomes below $75,000 will get nothing. "Our schemes to take from the middle class and give to the rich are expanding every year," said National co-chair Meg A. Bucks as she grinned and rubbed her hands together. "Thanks to President Bush, it's as easy as taking candy from a baby."
With typical humility, Billionaires for Bush have a simple request for patriotic Americans on Tax Day: Ask not what your country can do for you; ask what you can do for Billionaires.
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