I. Becoming a Billionaire
To become a Billionaire, we ask only that you follow the simple instructions below on how to choose a name, dress the part, and adopt a Billionaire persona. Once you have completed these preliminaries, you and other like-minded Billionaires are ready to form your own local chapter of Billionaires for Bush.
Choosing a Name
As a billionaire, you must make a good name for yourself (or at least borrow one from your parents). Here are some famous Billionaire names from around the country:
If you have an enviable name that is not on the list above, email firstname.lastname@example.org to let us know!
Appearances are everything. Formal dress is required.
In order to be a billionaire, it is not merely important to sport the right attitude, but to sport the right suit as well. We really must insist that you dress the part — we do have an image to uphold. It has occasionally come to our attention that some Billionaires have tried to gather in casual garb, and to those deviant individualists, we have only this to say: Formal is Normal.
We know that there is a great wealth of diversity among the extremely rich — and therefore among our fashion choices as well. Billionaires come in all colors, shapes and sizes. We have old money and oil money and dot-com money and money at work and money on vacation and daytime money and evening money.
But as important as it is to honor the diversity of our ranks, it is even more important to preserve the traditional image of the Billionaire in America.
Visual unity is very important to us. Remember, it takes conformity, not individuality, to become a Billionaire for Bush.
So don your black suits and evening gowns, and hit the streets!
You may also come with your full entourage. Servants, footmen, butlers, limos, red carpets, etc. are all welcome.
Billionaires who simply must stand out, even amidst the enormously affluent, may find the following fashion ideas appealing:
jodpuhrs (equestrian pants) or leggings
fancy high boots
Billionaire Record Executive
fancy suit or super-expensive jogging outfit
cell phone permanently attached to ear
blackberry device or pda
eye candy girfriend/boyfriend
briefcase full of record contracts that screw the artist
A Columbian Cartel Boss
slinky slithery pants
endangered-animal skin shoes
jewelry with tiny spoons
Rock Star or Rapper
gold money pendant
Deposed European Royalty
fluffy shirt with cuffs
shiny brocaded smoking jacket
solid-colored thick wool pants
nubby earth-toned sweater
plaid jackets with the rifle-shot protector shoulder pad
Your Persona & Portfolio
As Billionaires, our names evoke fabulous fortunes and we dress like a billion bucks. But there's a story behind every fortune, and communicating it well will better enable you to effectively manipulate the hearts and minds of the American public. Just take a peek at the biographies of a few of our top officers — who wouldn't be moved?
Phil T. Rich
Chief Executive Officer and Schmoozer-In-Chief, B4B
Phil was born a poor Mexican, but like those who feel as though they were born in the wrong body and long for a sex-change operation, Phil always new the maternity nurse had mixed up the socio-economic strata at birth. Not one to pout, however, he quickly set about to reclaim his lost heritage. A cleverly faked ID got him into Andover, identity theft landed him at Yale and then Princeton. After being tapped for the secret Skull and Bones secret society (psst, it's a secret), and apprenticing to both Karl Rove and Kenneth Lay, he quickly rose up through the ranks of hard-right Republican organs of power and America's most dynamic corporations. His resume — Special Attache for Accounting at Enron, Executive Secretary of the Project for a New American Century, trusted Note Taker of Vice-President Cheney's Energy Committee, and, of course, Co-Chair of Billionaires for Bush — reads like a cocktail of forward thinking governance. Phil's main goal in life is now Full Spectrum Dominance over American politics. His varied interests include Money, Wealth, Lucre, Cash, and Money. He is also a board member of Halliburton.
Chief Operating Officer and Webmaster, B4B
Seymour Benjamins was born on January 20, 1981 — the date of Ronald Reagan's first inauguration, he is quick to note — in Bel Air, CA. Seymour was the only child of Manny Benjamins III, a California aerospace/defense mogul who discovered that there's even more profit to be made in cold wars than in hot ones, and Mary A. Mogul II, a descendant of Austrian royalty. The young Benjamins graduated from Philips Exeter Academy in 1999 and earned a master's degree in Economics from Harvard in 2003. During his junior year in college, Benjamins' father died abruptly, leaving him a fortune estimated at $1.7 billion, whereupon he instantly became the most powerful 21-year old in America. Since graduating, Benjamins has invested billions in defense, natural gas, and pharmaceuticals, as well as key elected officials. He briefly worked on the Terrorism Futures Market under John M. Poindexter at the Pentagon's Defense Advanced Research Projects Agency (DARPA). In addition to sitting on Halliburton's board, Benjamins holds positions at DynCorp, Goldman Sachs, Kissinger & Associates, and the American Enterprise Institute. He is a sailing enthusiast and frequents the New York Yacht Club.
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