Billionaire News Watch
Thursday, July 29, 2004
Billionaire Bubba, the Ungrateful
Well, my chickens, I must say that while I'm disappointed I am not in the least bit surprised. This is what happens when you let just anyone into a club like ours.
I was watching news coverage of former President Clinton's speech – well, it was actually just background noise as I waited for the business report – when I heard him praising our pretty little part of the population:
“as soon as I got out and made money, I became part of the most important group in the world… It was amazing. I never thought I'd be so well cared for by the president and the Republicans in Congress.”
Needless to say, I was suddenly attentive and all a-goggle – could it be possible? This unctuous representative for all that’s wrong with this country recognizing on which side his bread is so very abundantly buttered?
Of course not! He then proceeded to make some spurious connection between tax cuts and the burden on the poor and disparaging the work that our Beloved G.W. has done on our behalf, reaffirming my previous notion that he is, well, an unctuous representative for all that’s wrong with this country.
Ungrateful. Shameful.
Wednesday, July 21, 2004
Billionaire Bill Wastes Dividend on Charity
It's been an exceptionally sunny in Seattle these days, and the weather seems to have gone straight to Bill Gates' head. Showing a $60 billion cash-and-stock surplus, Microsoft has announced it will pay a one-time dividend of $32 billion to its shareholders, or three dollars per share. As chairman and chief shareholder, Gates stands to receive $3 billion personally.... and has decided to donate it all to the Bill and Melinda Gates Foundation, our Bill's kooky $30 billion side project dedicated to global health, education, public libraries, and support for at-risk (read: poor) families in Washington state and Oregon. "While our family foundation is making progress, there remain so many urgent needs and challenges that we must address together as a society," Gates' wife and charity co-founder Melinda said in a statement yesterday.
Well, yes, Melinda, you couldn't be more right. In other news, the Washington Post (sorry, this is the only place I could find this article) announced that in this year's fundraising race, the Dems are beating the GOP like a red-headed stepchild with a mouthful of potty swears. Based on reports from the Federal Election Commission, John Kerry and the major Democratic Party committees have raised more money from Jan. 1st to June 30th 2004 than Our President and Leader George Bush and the Republican national and congressional fundraising committees combined. This is the first time such a travesty has occured since that Dark Year of Our Lord, 1992 when, I don't need to remind you, a certain unwashed Arkansan got his grubby hands on just enough of the loot to win the White House. In June alone, according to numbers released today by the National Republican Congressional Committee (NRCC), the Democratic Congressional Campaign Committee (DCCC) has outraised the NRCC by $2.2 million, $9.2 mil to $7.0 mil.
Does Windows Boy realize what a fraction of his dividend could do to close this gap?? While we all know he can't simply cut a $3 bil. check to the NRCC (thanks a lot, McCain-Feingold), he could at least invest in upping the production values in recent campaign commercials. I mean, the man 'invented' Windows (shut up, Steve Jobs)-- Couldn't he do something nifty with Windows MovieMaker? MoveOn.org is really kicking our heinies in the nifty smear-ad department. Clearly Gates, whose last act of patriotic spending was the unfathomably tiny amount allowed by federal election guidelines in September 2003, could stand to Do His Bit, as they say.
Tuesday, July 20, 2004
Another One Bites the Dust!
First Howard, then Whoopi, and now Linda Ronstadt: yet another celeb has lost big-time cash for criticizing our dear George W.
Ronstadt was booted out of the Aladdin Hotel and Casino in Las Vegas for dedicating a song to Bush opponent and anti-Billionaire menace Michael Moore. Thankfully, the good executives running the Aladdin would have none of that. "Ms. Ronstadt was hired to entertain the guests of the Aladdin, not to espouse political views," according to a casino spokesperson.
Hear, hear! Espousing political views should remain the sole provenance of Clear Channel, Halliburton, Fox News, Diebold Technologies, and other respectable corporations.
Monday, July 19, 2004
Hmong on Down!
Is everyone happy? I know my eyes are shining, and if I hadn’t just gotten my latest round of Botox injections, I’d be smiling as wide as the number of zeroes at the end of my last bonus check… But if there are any of you out there who are looking for a reason to smile, you should arrange an introduction for yourself with NCPA Senior Fellow Bruce Bartlett.
I seriously doubt Mr. Bartlett is One of Us, but perhaps we should consider making him an honorary member… Just kidding! But he certainly is pitching in and lending a good ol’ Billionaire Hand to the touchy topic of [gasp!] outsourcing. Apparently, Mr. Bartlett has done some research, and found all sorts of yummy reasons why outsourcing is the way to go. Increased product availability, a stronger demand for jobs here in the U.S. of A., raising the standard of living... I am positively shuddering with anticipation! And we already know that outsourcing maximizes business opportunities by reducing costs and all that wretched overhead. Now we know it’s good for everyone!
We all know our Beloved G.W. has been a big supporter of outsourcing and was quoted on the subject back in February, calling it “just a new way of doing international trade.” And that First Steps Program the EU is putting together really makes it so much easier to get started!
I was mulling these issues over in my pretty little head when one of my managers phoned me at the spa to tell me about yet another “labor issue” at one of my many processing facilities in the Midwest. I started thinking that it would be so much easier to just export all that tedious work to other countries, just as so many of you have… But then I turned the page in the paper and saw that more than 14,000 Hmong Loatians have been authorized by the U.S. State Department to resettle here . This imminent immigration, which I would ordinarily have eschewed as liberal-business-as-usual, has created a sunny patch on an otherwise dark cloud.
These Hmongs are used to earning somewhere around $200 a year; I’d be willing to pay them twice that! Just think: we could just import our workforce wholesale from some small country with a refugee problem. Who needs to outsource? We can just re-create their settlements here, near the factory – giving them the feeling of home – and put those eager beavers to work discovering the American Dream! As my dear friend Colin A. Faver said when I told him my idea, “We can outsource our labor without even leaving the country!"
The only question remains, whom do I contact? I’d like to place an order for 2,500…
Ken Lay Gets Bush 41's Blessing
Ain't it good to know you've got a friend?
Fellow Billionaire and former Enron chair Ken Lay, who faces up to 175 years in prison for his creative business practices, says he's received a message of support from former president George H. W. Bush, according to Friday's Financial Times.
Lay believes W. himself has refrained from calling him "for obvious reasons," and that he has returned the favor. No news there. The Prez and Lay have been keeping their distance for some time now, even though Lay and his wife have personally donated over 100K to Bush's election campaigns and 2001 inaugration, respectively, and nearly a billion dollars to Republican candidates. And despite their legal troubles, Enron remains high on the list of Bush's top donors -- and donations, as a recent study has proven, usually lead to contracts and other favors from the Bush Administration. (As well they should -- what are campaign contributions for?)
While we certainly understand Lay's need to play coy with the Bushes, we're glad to see that the old ties are still going strong. After all, Billionaire blood is thicker than water -- and it's certainly thicker than the billions of dollars that Enron siphoned from the citizens of California. As we all know, money works best when it collects in one person's pocket. Those middle-class Californians probably would have just blown it on groceries.
Saturday, July 17, 2004
The Rock Star CEO is Back.
Good news, Billionaires, "Marketplace" on NPR has teamed up with The Economist and Harris Interactive to announce that it is okay to be a Billionaire again! [Click here to listen to the show in RealPlayer, skip to Time Marker 4:05 after download.]
In the first stage of a massive marketing campaign that we are all obliged to support, NY bureau chief from The Economist, Ben Edwards, states that the public may be "falling in love again" with the Rock Star CEO.
"The Hero Boss...is making a modest comeback," he states, thanking "the
man who may be responsible for the rekindling of our affections,"
Donald Trump, for bringing celebrity CEO's back to the hero worship
where they belong. Now, we all know Donald as the most beloved,
ingenious scoundrel of us all for his habit of not paying small
contractors for services rendered because it’s cheaper to fight them in
court, but that not as easy a sell in an age of unprecedented layoffs
and a struggling economy. Today the masses will forgive you as
long as you yell “You’re Fired” on national TV with a slick smirk and
even slicker suit. Really, it is an easier pill to swallow that
way.
More powerful than even the Donald is Edward’s assertion that "the
legislative cycle seems to have run its course." This year, "a
reinvigorated business lobby shot to pieces the SEC's initiative to
introduce a mildly less un-democratic system for electing board
directors." Please, schedule a lunch with your local congressman and
thank him or her for a job well done.
"Even those hand-cuffed celebrity ex-bosses seemed to be getting a
slightly less hostile reception." He went on to note that our comrade
in arms, Ken Lay, shortly after receiving an indictment for a myriad of
charges meant for lesser men, was "joshing with Larry King on prime
time TV. ‘Great meeting you, Ken.’ Larry wrapped up."
"Maybe even the cops," Edwards posits, will back off after catching on
"to the changing public mood - then [he] will really bask in the sun
again without fear that his next public appearance might be in orange
pajamas."
Yes, the “cops backing off” is good for business, and it is now our
responsibility to artificially inseminate the public mood by
repetition. For these are only a few highlights from his talking
points that, just like in the George W. Bush presidential campaign
strategy, should be repeated verbatim at every opportunity, because, as
we all know, Truth to the Public Ears is anything repeated over and
over again.
Tuesday, July 13, 2004
Bush Defends Loggers from Hostile Forests
Good news for loggers and asphalt companies! The Bush administration has proposed lifting a logging ban on 58 million acres of national forest.
In a brazen act of environmental terrorism, Bill Clinton shielded these potentially profitable woodlands from development as he left the White House in January 2001. Bush's plan would open these lucrative acres back up to logging and road-building in eighteen months' time, unless the governor of the state in which the forest is located successfully petitions to keep the area off-limits. And we all know what the answer to those petitions will be, don't we? After all, no sentimental Walden should stand in the way of a much-needed interstate linking Boise to Missoula.
According to CNN, our friend Jim Riley of the "Intermountain Forest Association," a lobbying group for companies that clearcut intermountain forests, is excited about Bush's plan. "These decisions are far better made by local folks than through broad national policy," Riley quipped. If we can assume that by "local folks," he means "local billionaires," amen to that!
Monday, July 12, 2004
Diebold Under Fire
Election Tampering Tampering Alert: Electronic voting machine maker Diebold Inc. is being sued by so-called whistle-blowers in California. The plaintiffs claim that Diebold's machines caused delays and deleted ballots in the March California primary, are programmed with uncertified software, and are vulnerable to hackers. An estimated 50 million voters will be casting electronic ballots this November.
Diebold, as you know, is a leader in the growing industry of paper-trail-free electronic voting machines, which became hot sellers after the 2000 election. Diebold has also been forced to cover its executives' tails after CEO Walden O'Dell pledged to "deliver [Ohio's] electoral votes for the president" in 2004. Honestly, is that so wrong? After all, if the good people at Diebold are going to invest the time, labor, and capital in building all these voting machines, it's only fair that they should pick the outcome.
We Billionaires stand in solidarity with O'Dell and Diebold. We may not all be CEOs of voting machine manufacturing companies, but every one of us is trying to rig this election in his or her own special way. Only when our electoral system is broken free from the shackles of universal suffrage will America truly become the best oligarchy it can be.
Thursday, July 08, 2004
Ken Shall Rise Again
Ah, Monet, you give a Billionaire hope for the future. I too have faith that Bush will save Ken from jail. But the inconvenience he must suffer in the meantime! We all have our indictment stories, and none of them are pretty...
Ken Lays Down For No One
If you’ve read recent reports in the New York Times and elsewhere recently, Billionaires seemingly have reason to fear the wrath of the Justice Department. Even my esteemed colleague, Colin A. Faver, has asked for a moment of silence for fallen Enron CEO Kenneth Lay, after a sealed indictment was handed down from a federal grand jury in Houston today.
Okay Billionaires, sit down, pour a 1947 Rothschild, take a deep breath, and repeat after me, Ken Lay is not going to jail. But why listen to me when my last post stated assuredly that Ken Lay would not even be indicted because “the rich and powerful in this country go free?”
Well I’ll tell you; this is an election year and Ken Lay’s close personal relationship is a liability to our hero, George Bush. This indictment is a necessary, if nerve-racking, process that will separate President G.W. Bush from the political grenade that Enron has become. But have no fears, this “process” will stretch on long past election day, in the meantime proving ample evidence that George Bush is tough on corporate “crimes.”
In the end, with George’s reelection history, the charges will be dropped, reduced, or, most drastically in the chance of conviction, pardoned.
Finally, if worse comes to worse, remember this in your time of worry: Ken Lay’s corporate tax shelters, subsidiary shell game, and California price gouging benefited a few Billionaires at the expense of his working and middle class shareholders, but G.W. Bush’s policies benefit all of us Billionaires at the expense of the rest of America, and it is he who we need to be reelected, not Mr. Lay.
Wednesday, July 07, 2004
Ken Lay: Billionaire Martyr
A moment of silence, please: Word has leaked out that former Enron boss Ken Lay has been indicted by a federal grand jury. Once again, a fellow Billionaire has been persecuted for creative business practices and innovations in accounting. Must our people always be subject to such prejudice?
This is the second serious blow to Ken Lay and Enron in recent months, the other being that Enron slipped from the #1 to #2 spot in all-time donations to President Bush. And we can hardly imagine that Ken will recover anytime soon, in light of his onerous legal bills.
The good news is that the new #1 spot belongs to credit card monolith MBNA Corp. If American consumers can learn to deficit-spend like our President does, MBNA should be lining Bush's pockets for the forseeable future.
For now, light a candle in the window of your yacht for Kenny. We shall overcome, someday.
Thursday, July 01, 2004
Low Blow from a Low Court
The absolute gall of it: Today, a Florida state court judge ruled that the state must release its list of nearly 50,000 alleged felons who will be barred from voting in November's election.
As you'll recall, the state of Florida purged about as many "felons" from the voting rolls in 2000. Of course, many of these voters weren't exactly felons, in the sense that they had never committed a felony, but most of them were almost certainly not Billionaires. And isn't that a crime in itself?
How does this arrogant judge (who probably draws an embarrassingly low salary) expect us to keep the election in the hands of the wealthy and powerful, where it belongs? Last time around, Bush's cousin called the election, his campaign manager certified the ballots, his brother ran the state, and his friends on the Supreme Court nixed the recount, and he still only beat Gore by 537 votes. If they take away our right to trim the voter rolls, where will we be?
Fortunately, if this ruling ever makes it to Scalia, we'll be fine...
