Hmong on Down!
Is everyone happy? I know my eyes are shining, and if I hadn't just gotten my latest round of Botox injections, I'd be smiling as wide as the number of zeroes at the end of my last bonus check... But if there are any of you out there who are looking for a reason to smile, you should arrange an introduction for yourself with NCPA Senior Fellow Bruce Bartlett.

I seriously doubt Mr. Bartlett is One of Us, but perhaps we should consider making him an honorary member... Just kidding! But he certainly is pitching in and lending a good ol' Billionaire Hand to the touchy topic of [gasp!] outsourcing. Apparently, Mr. Bartlett has done some research, and found all sorts of yummy reasons why outsourcing is the way to go. Increased product availability, a stronger demand for jobs here in the U.S. of A., raising the standard of living... I am positively shuddering with anticipation! And we already know that outsourcing maximizes business opportunities by reducing costs and all that wretched overhead. Now we know it's good for everyone!

We all know our Beloved G.W. has been a big supporter of outsourcing and was quoted on the subject back in February, calling it "just a new way of doing international trade." And that First Steps Program the EU is putting together really makes it so much easier to get started!

I was mulling these issues over in my pretty little head when one of my managers phoned me at the spa to tell me about yet another "labor issue" at one of my many processing facilities in the Midwest. I started thinking that it would be so much easier to just export all that tedious work to other countries, just as so many of you have... But then I turned the page in the paper and saw that more than 14,000 Hmong Loatians have been authorized by the U.S. State Department to resettle here . This imminent immigration, which I would ordinarily have written off as liberal-business-as-usual, has created a sunny patch on an otherwise dark cloud.

These Hmongs are used to earning somewhere around $200 a year; I'd be willing to pay them twice that! Just think: we could just import our workforce wholesale from some small country with a refugee problem. Who needs to outsource? We can just re-create their settlements here, near the factory (giving them the feeling of home) and put those eager beavers to work discovering the American Dream! As my dear friend Colin A. Faver said when I told him my idea, "We can outsource our labor without even leaving the country!"

The only question remains, whom do I contact? I'd like to place an order for 2,500...

- posted by Lotta Cash @ 2:10:24 PM