And now, it's time for...
"ASK A 'LOTTA' QUESTIONS!"

Dear Lotta,

I'm confused by the new overtime pay laws. How can I be sure I've restructured my management and salaries to keep overtime compensation as close to $0,000,000.00 per quarter as possible?

Signed,
Bureaucratic in Dubuque


Dear B.I.D.,

Yes, we all held our breaths a little when discussion of this first came up at the beginning of the year. Who knew what an overhaul of the 50+ year old Fair Labor Standards Act might bring to the humble employer? But after those useful bits of advice on how to skirt the issue entirely - courtesy of our friendly neighborhood Labor Department - back in January, we Billionaires could all cheer on the beauty of Dear Georgie's signature as it flowed across the bottom of the new rules in the FLSA. Watching his pen move... it's like watching the grace of ice dancers as they pirhouette their way around the spotlight... and if you listen really closely, you can almost hear the coins dropping into your piggy bank.

But I digress. Here are some things to remember that will help George W. to help you keep overtime payments at a minimum:

Tip #1: Give promotions! Yes, it's true! All of those snively little "squeaky wheels" who are always giving such helpful advice on how to do things "better" can finally be rewarded for all of those little suggestions. Let them supervise (i.e. make the lives miserable of) two other employees - preferably, two other know-it-alls. By simply giving out a title like "manager" or "supervisor," you can heap more work on your star employees without paying a penny over their current salaries. They may put in a 60- or 70-hour work week (or even 80 if you're really creative with your work assignments), but it won't cost you a single dime more than if they were working a normal 40-hour week.

Tip #2: Give raises! Now, don't have a coronary; I know it's a radical idea at the very least. But as long as you pay them $425 a week and call them "manager" or "sole charge executive," the o.t. buck stops there! By simply converting them to a salaried employee for a yearly total of around $22,000, you can banish the black cloud of "time-and-a-half" that hangs over your head when all you want is to get some work done and put some money in the bank. All the work gets done, and with all of those inspired corporate tax breaks on FICA and Medicare taxes we can enjoy, you actually end up spending less money! I love this country!!!

Yes, my chickens, I'm thinking of it all as an application of the honey-versus-vinegar theory: promote them and give them more money; that way, what will they ever have to complain about? Besides, they'll be too busy fulfilling their new job requirements to realize just how much less money they're taking home each week. There are also lots of other things you can do, like change their job description or offer compensation time - that they can only take at your discretion, of course. Whichever you choose, rest easy - we'll still end up paying them less per hour than we were before the changes.

- posted by Lotta Cash @ 2:22:17 AM