IRAN endorses BUSH
Every oil baron knows Bush is his Crude Crusader. This holds true for even unlikely, but oil-laden, supporters like IRAN! Iran has a financial stake in Bush's policies that turn back decades of environmental protection in favor of earth-taxing, but highly profitable, oil interests. Besides, Iran's leaders typically favor Republicans, "Democrats usually insist on human rights."
Another surprising endorsement comes from The Brigade of Abu Hafs al-Masri, the organization that claims responsibility for the March 11th bombing of a Madrid train station. The group assures that Bush is the man to "wake-up" the Islamic world, they are "very keen that Bush does not lose the upcoming elections."
It seems the one endorsement that our Crude Crusader did not manage to get- his home town paper, The Lone Star Iconoclast. Iconoclast--the one who destroys sacred religious images. I don't know about you, but my religion runs deep, and gushes often.


- posted by Mary Dritch

 
The Five-Day Countdown: What To Due
Writing just after the carved whalebone hands of the grandfather clock in my study strike midnight, I find myself, as you must, breathlessly awaiting the Big Event in just over five white-knuckled days. Rather than sit on my hands, which is uncomfortable due to the diamonds, I devised a 3-part spending plan for proactive Billionaires who want to make these dwindling hours count:

1. Write that last check to a 527. Donations of $1 million or more to partisan political groups are way up this year, according to the Associated Press.... and who tops the list? George Soros, the Original Billionaire Turncoat! We have only a scant few days to show up this showoff's $24 million display of anti-Americanism... and don't think about making it up 4 years from now. In all likelihood, the new wave of campaign finance reforms being bandied about the Hill will render such unfettered giving illegal in the next cycle.

2. Create a rainy-day fund: for the recount! The FEC has just announced that their long-standing rule on fundraising for an election recount will remain in effect: each candidate can raise as much money as they want! We've already seen what Georgie can do with this situation-- if we just put a spare bil aside for the REAL crunch time, we'll be eating that non-banned caviar*off the White House Lawn in no time.
*(see Lotta Cash's entry, Tue. Oct. 26th)

3. Invest in liquor stock-- because come Election Day, just under 50% of the nation will be in a funk deeper than my ex-husband's pockets. And come November 3rd, I intend to collect.

Onward Croesian Soldiers!

- posted by Alexis Anna Rolles

 
P.S. (and on a much more refined note...)
Ready, everyone, our collective "phew!" After a few tense months, The Fish and Wildlife Service has decided against banning imports of beluga caviar! The source of our favorite spread, the sturgeon, is being placed on the Endangered list, but the ban on importing won't be reconsidered until January, after the elections.

So party on, Billionaires!

- posted by Lotta Cash

 
Billionaire Brilliance!
One week to go, my chickens, and is it getting hot in here or is it just me?! We're down to the wire, and Cheney the Great turns into Cheney the Magnificent, showing the smarts that make him the Billionaire-est of them all. After his performance on yesterday morning's The Today Show, I am ready to wait outside the stage door for him and scream like an unhinged teeny-bopper the moment he sets foot to pavement.

It was just like a Grisham novel... No, scratch that: it was better than a Grisham novel - because it was real life! National correspondent Jamie Gangel asked the tough questions, grilling our man about alleged "mistakes" some folks thinks this glorious administration has made in Iraq. When asked, "Did you think securing the peace would be this hard? Did you think the aftermath would be this difficult?" he turns it around, using the down-and-dirty trial lawyer tactics of the opposition, and defends the actions of Iraqi insurgents thusly: "I... think that the trauma, the psychological effect of 30 years of oppression on the Iraqi people was greater than I had anticipated."

Oh, snap! The "insanity defense!" Brilliant! John Kerry may be "fighting for the middle class," but Our Boys are in da house, fighting for the mentally ill.

That's right, Dickey: we're never wrong. We're just protecting those who don't know any better.




- posted by Lotta Cash

 
Throw Out the Vote in '04!
A couple of weeks ago, my esteemed colleague Mary Dritch wondered (hypothetically, of course) how much it would cost to buy someone's vote.

It turns out the Republican Party has a better idea: they'll pay people $100 to stop other people from voting! A report in the New York Times describes unprecedented GOP efforts in key battleground states to challenge voters at the polls. In stark contrast, most Democratic poll monitors will focus on helping people cast their ballots.

Economically and practically, the GOP plan makes a lot of sense. Paying voters individually entails a cost-per-transaction that can really add up, and "get-out-the-vote" drives typically involve time-consuming forays into distasteful neighborhoods. But for a cool C-note (the average price of my lunchtime liquor bill), each one of these intrepid vote-stoppers can block dozens, perhaps hundreds, of questionable would-be voters. And according to the Times report, the challengers will be well-trained -- in such arts as "how to challenge mentally disabled voters who are assisted by anyone other than their legal guardians."

But fear not, fellow Billionaires: If you dress right and applaud their efforts, I sincerely doubt that these challengers will stop you from participating in democracy. And if they try it, hey, we can always buy them off.

- posted by Colin A. Faver