Classier Than Keno
As most lower life forms stick quarters into slot machines, feverishly scratch at lottery chits, and wait for a house call from Ed McMahon, we more highly evolved corporate animals have just hit the king-hell jackpot. Giants of industry, meet the latest Bush tax cut! On Friday, our Fearless Leader signed the most sweeping change to corporate tax law in nearly 20 years.

The spin-savvily titled American Jobs Creation Act, which will rain $136 billion like manna upon American businesses, was originally designed to get those fussbudget Europeans off our backs for violating WTO regulations. Seems the quote-unquote "world community" was suspicious of our annual $5 billion tax break to American exporters, and The Continent responded by imposing 12% tariffs on US goods exported to their godless land. Not nice, Europe.

Yesterday's legislation repeals that luscious tax break, but more than makes up for it with a cornucopia of special interest provisions, including a $10.1-billion buyout of tobacco farmers' quotas and a section that allows American companies to have their overseas profits taxed at a one-time rate of 5.25 percent rather than the usual 35 percent.

Now: you can believe John McCain, who called it "the worst example of the influence of special interests that I have ever seen"... you can believe the Wall Street Journal, which calls it a "tax windfall" for corporations... or you can believe your heart, beating soundly from the vicinity of your wallet pocket and echoing the glorious phrase coined by the New York Lotto: "If you don't win it, someone else will." Bingo!

- posted by Alexis Anna Rolles

 
Three Ring Circus, Bull Fight or Shell Game?
The elections on November 2nd promise to be spectacular, as in a spectacle, a marvel, a wonder to behold. We Billionaires have the mo$t at stake, so purchase your box suites early.
The rivals in this season's bout have been bus and trucking through the states with their horse and pony shows. Special interest groups (nudge nudge, wink wink) are filling the airwaves with election-year propaganda. We Billionaires can afford to fund so many delightfully outrageous ads; and own the media conglomerates on which to display all our "pretty"s.
And yet, there turns out to be a cheaper way to get votes. Who knew? In Taos, New Mexico, unsuspecting voters have been giving their votes away. Signing their ballots and giving them to the nice man at the door who is "willing to turn them in for you." What brilliant, cheap Billionaire came up with that one?
If the race is as close as the polls show, the legal crossfire may cause such havoc that a winner might not be declared for months. Voter registration suggests we may have 15 million more voters than in 2000. "Thousands of lawyers are being deputized and trained by both campaigns." I feel as if I've wandered into the House of Mirrors, not sure how many rounds the welter weight will last. It's a volatile season of vague positions and mixed metaphors. Keep your eye on the ball, my friends, this is one con game we can't afford to lose.

- posted by Mary Dritch

 
Ralphie Boy and Me: Billionaires Cheer Nader's Candidacy
There's nothing we billionaires like better than a wolf in sheep's clothing; truth be told, many of us made our first precocious millions pretending to be something we were not. This is exactly why all billionaires applaud the stubborn candidacy of one Ralph Nader, a self-proclaimed corporate watchdog and icon of the left. As it did in 2000, his candidacy once again threatens to hand the presidency to our mighty billionaire-in-chief.
So let billionaires across the land let forth a Huzzah! of billionairely proportions for Ralphie Boy, one of the best friends our President ever had. When the election has been safely bought and paid for, we will be sure that his name is enshrined amongst the greatest heroes of our corporate conquest. So thank you, Mr Nader, and keep up the good work.

- posted by AMX

 
Power to the Privileged!
Let's hear it for the Energy President, George W. Bush. And when I say "energy," I mean the kind of energy that he spends fighting for corporate special interests!

According to a recent report in the Boston Globe, the new 816-page energy bill, touted by Bush and his Republican allies, is a treasure trove of goodies and giveaways for lobbyists and Republican donors. The Globe reports that energy-industry lobbyists spent $387 million trying to push the bill in their favor, not counting untold tens of millions also given to help re-elect Bush and his friends in the GOP.

And all that hard work is paid off! Home Depot spent $240,000 lobbying and gave about as much to Bush and the GOP, but reaped a $48 million savings, thanks to a tariff adjustment on Chinese ceiling fans. The nuclear industry played higher stakes: they plunked down $71.4 million in lobbying fees, but stand to save well over $7 billion in tax breaks. Power companies are seeing regulations rolled back to the Roaring Twenties. Heck, one entrepreneur even got $100 million in public money to build the world's largest shopping mall?

So what if energy specialist Charlie Coon of the arch-conservative Heritage Foundation called the bill "a farce" and added, "the bottom line is, it's not going to provide the power that's needed for the economy so people can turn on their lights"? Sounds like a certain conservative think tank forgot to lobby for its tax breaks! Take a lesson from Home Depot, Charlie: You can't win if you don't play!


- posted by Colin A. Faver

 
Home (Team) Economics
Do you hear that drip-drip-dripping, my chickens? No, no - it has nothing to do with Raul the Poolboy and that mysterious leak in the upstairs hot tub. That is the sound of the much-maligned, but well-designed and super-divine legacy of The Ronald (Reagan, that is...): trickle-down economics.

Defined as letting businesses flourish, since their profits will ultimately trickle down to lower-income individuals and the rest of the economy - or, more specifically, releasing businesses from tax liability for (among others) such clever practices as outsourcing and finding cheaper labor in differently-economied parts of the world - trickle-down economics seems to finally be coming into its own. And I hope you all appreciate how extraordinarily fortunate we are to be living in such an exciting time when we can see this magnificent theory in operation.

The blooming example of the theory's coming of age can most recently be seen in high school sports arenas. We have all heard the boring litany of the effect budget cuts are taking on school programs, but finally someone has caught the spark of inspiration, and like a veritable Prometheus has set things alight. Taking a tip from the pros, high school athletic programs across the country are selling the naming rights of their facilities. Some of these deals even require that the students purchase their personal athletic equipment from specific brands and sponsors!

As is expected, niggly nay-sayers are crying foul. Gary Ruskin, executive director of Commercial Alert, says "This is... slapping a 'For Sale' sign on its school and its students." But I see it more like getting in a great marketing lesson while kids unwittingly play sports. Not only will they be learning trickle-down theory through immersion, they will begin to understand government policy and how those cuts to the No Child Left Behind Act are actually part of brilliant Bushiness strategy that ultimately benefits them. If corporations weren't allowed to do so well, who would be plastering their name on that $750,000 scoreboard and video system? There wouldn't even be a $750k scoreboard and video system! (And absolutely every high school needs one of those, right?)

This is the way it works in the pros, my chickens. Corporate sponsorship of high school athletics is simply giving a well-timed life lesson to our children who are otherwise at risk of being unprepared for what's waiting for them in the "real world." And besides, what other more fitting tribute could we dream up in the year of our tragic loss of The Gipper?

- posted by Lotta Cash