Tom DeLay- Billionaire Buddy
Billionaires, it's high time we start giving credit where credit is due. I propose we initiate the Billionarie Buddy List. The list will be a "Huzzah" shout-out to those rank and file Americans working so hard to keep us in Cartier and caviar.

I'd personally like to nominate the feisty House Majority Leader, Tom DeLay, from my home state of Texas. Yeehaw! Representative DeLay has fought diligently to redefine state districting lines; in fact, Texas has changed districting twice in the last four years. Historically new congressional district lines are drawn every ten years, after census numbers are released. DeLay's aides have been indicted on suspicion of illegal fundraising from corporations, like ours, that will benefit from the redistricting. Good for him, making the peons take the heat, while he is representin' us.

Other fine Buddies include Ohio's Secretary of State, J. Kenneth Blackwell, and previously lauded Mark Hyman. Nominations are open to anyone who allows us to put our most profitable foot forward. What say ye, Billionaires, shall we keep the list a rollin'?

- posted by Mary Dritch

 
Debate #3: Learning Our Way to a More Complacent Tomorrow
Ah, sweet misdirection.

The third and final presidential debate left me aswim in facts, figures, and familiar phrases-- and I say this not just because I watched it from my pool. Naturally, I tuned out any disagreeable statements or boring parts, such as the plight of the working man, and honed in on what would matter to me, such as: Will I still be able to get someone to clean my pool?

Luckily, the President answered "Yes!" He skillfully deflected the question of raising minimum wage, arguing that there are things poor people need much more than money. "Listen, the No Child Left Behind Act is really a jobs act when you think about it. " Education, he said, is the way to lift the rabble from their misery, not forcing their blameless, innocent employers to shell out an extra $1.85 an hour just to wash the same dishes they were washing before. (Now, I'd be a bit worried about the idea of these walking Les Mis posters getting 'lifted' at all, but since we now how effective No Child Left Behind really is, I think we're in little danger. )

O Captain Our Captain also supplied "education" as the answer to a potentially tricky question on outsourcing: when asked what he would say to someone who had just lost their job overseas, GB replied: "I'd say, Bob, I've got policies to continue to grow our economy and create the jobs of the 21st century. And here's some help for you to... go to a community college." Thank GOD! And here I thought the closing of corporate loopholes was truly nigh! Instead we'll send the squeaky wheels to Podunk County College on a government dime (not mine-- thanks, tax cut!) and keep happily exporting their jobs to Bangladesh.... What? You say many of the outsourced are already highly educated? Bosh! Piffle! Look over there. See the pretty bird? Look at the pretty bird.

So now, to Xanax dreamland with me. Well parried, milord!

- posted by Alexis Anna Rolles

 
Mark Hyman: A Billionaire with Chutzpah!
Let's hear it for Mark Hyman, vice president of Sinclair Broadcast Group. Like Ted Turner and the good people at Clear Channel, he's proving once again the Billionaire Law of Six M's: Money + Media Monopoly + Moxie = Mass Manipulation!

The Sinclair Group, an unabashed supporter of Our Beloved W., plans to pre-empt regular programming on its 62-channel TV empire to show an uninterrupted anti-Kerry "documentary" just days before the election. Hysterical Democrats have called it an "in-kind contribution" to Bush's campaign.

Don't they get it? Of course it's an in-kind contribution (a very kind one, if I do say so myself) -- but Sinclair can't actually call it that, because of those pesky campaign finance laws. Anyone with experience in income taxes knows that Billionaires have to tinker with names and labels: for example, my yacht is a "dependent," but my Enron profits technically belong to my great-aunt Millicent, who's on a respirator and gave me power of attorney.

Anyway, Hyman counterpunched by comparing media outlets that ignore Kerry's Vietnam War detractors to "Holocaust deniers." Amen (or L'Chiam?) to that! What the media should be ignoring are any reports that threaten public support for the incredibly profitable Iraq war. That's why the Sinclair Group refused to broadcast an episode of Nightline featuring a roll call of soldiers who have died in combat. And let's not forget that those famous Swift Boat Veterans for "Truth" are themselves funded by a rich Texas Bush donor.

So, to sum up: A wealthy Bush supporter creates a front group to attack Kerry. Its impact is magnified a hundredfold by free media coverage. A separate wealthy, Bush-loving corporation clears out the airwaves to broadcast an anti-Kerry screed just days before the election. Capitalizing on free media coverage of aforementioned decision, a rich representative of the aforesaid Bush-loving corporation accuses the media of pro-Kerry favoritism, and compares them to Holocaust deniers.

Ain't money great?


- posted by Colin A. Faver

 
Q & A
Last week my esteemed Billionaire colleague Mary Dritch asked the age old question, "How Much Does a Vote Cost?"

Well, aparently we have an answer: skivvies and snacks!

This comes from a most unusual source: Michael Moore. The notoriously anti-Georgie "filmmaker" (if that's what you call a man with a microphone, a camera, and a paranoid imagination) got himself in a spot of trouble last week for visiting college campuses in his home state and trying to lure unsuspecting slackers to the polls with gifts of clean underwear and Ramen noodles. But according to Michigan State Election Law 168.931 (1) (a), a person shall not, either directly or indirectly, give, lend, or promise valuable consideration, to or for any person, as an inducement to influence the manner of voting by a person relative to a candidate or ballot question, or as a reward for refraining from voting.

County prosecuters apparently aren't pursuing charges, but perhaps they see it the way I do: I'm no scoff-law, and cringe at the very thought of supporting the antics of an anarchist like Moore. But wouldn't it be nice if, when we go to the polls in a few weeks, the unwashed masses with whom we'll be sharing voting space at least didn't smell quite so unwashed?

And if we handed out silk boxers with crackers and caviar, would they vote for our team?

- posted by Lotta Cash