Timber!
Well, our man W. did an impressive job tonight defending his massive giveaways to American Billionaires, but I want to shed light especially on a tart little exchange with Senator Kerry over a timber business.

In discussing their respective economic policies, Bush said that Kerry's tax plan would hurt "over 900,000 small businesses." Kerry responded with the cryptic suggestion that by Bush's definition, Bush himself was a small business owner because of $84 he made from a timber interest. Bush seized the opportunity for a laugh, quipping "I own a timber business? That's news to me... Need any wood?"

But whether Bush remembers his timber ties or not, let's give credit where credit is due. For in 2001, W. did indeed report $84 in "business" income from his shares in a timber-growing enterprise. And according to the Bush-Cheney standard, that makes him just as much of a "small business owner" as Mom and Pop down at the corner store. In fact, the entire premise of Bush's argument rests on the logic that anyone with any reportable business income at all is a small business owner -- even if they get 99.9% of their wealth from other sources, like their deferred compensation from Halliburton or the trust fund Daddy set up. In fact, according to factcheck.org, "the majority of those being counted as 'small businesses' are really individuals who aren't primarily business owners, and a huge number have no employees."

But they do have one thing in common: They want the top marginal tax rate to be 35%, not 39.6% as it was in the pre-Bush years. Well, maybe Mom and Pop aren't making enough to be in that bracket. But wouldn't it be nice if they were?

Let's hear it for George W. Bush, Small Businessman!

- posted by Colin A. Faver

 
The Great Employer's Market Continues
Wipe away those beads of sweat, fellow Billionaires: The latest Labor Department statistics show that job growth in September was weaker than expected, and the unemployment rate has not changed.

This is the last job count before the election, leaving the country with 585,000 fewer jobs than the day our Beloved W. took office. In short, it's been a wonderful job market -- for employers like us! With fewer jobs available as the U.S. population grows, that means competition for those jobs is fierce and desperate. With a lobby full of eager applicants hoping to put food on the table, today's savvy CEO can snap up overqualified suckers for low pay and meager benefits like a bear swiping salmon from a stream.

It's no wonder that under King George II, corporate profits and consumer prices have soared while wages have stalled. Our friend in the White House knows the perfect formula for success: Keep your bank account well-fed and your employees hungry.

Anyone for seconds?

- posted by Colin A. Faver

 
How Much Does a Vote Cost?
There has been an extensive push to register new voters this campaign season, especially in the notorius swing states. Florida election officials report almost a million more registered voters than in 2000. Las Vegas is reporting an additional 100,000 registered. And come November, voter turnout could exceed the 58% who voted in the '92 election that brought Clinton to office.
Reuters reports that the Bush campaign has spent millions of dollars acquiring lists of homeowners that could be likely Bush voters. The Democrats are targeting those under 25. So, I wonder, with this abundance of potential votes, how much would a vote cost? If on election day I were to park my limo outside a voting station and send my best man in with a fat bankroll, how much would it take to "buy" a vote? Fifty bucks? One hundred?
Average debt as a precentage of household income is in the double digits for people earning less than $40,000 per year, there are 800,000 fewer jobs than when Bush took office, and college tuitions are skyrocketing. I think times might just be tough enough for the little people that they take me up on that C-note. So, fellow Billionaires, how 'bout throwing a bit of pocket change at voters in swing states? And, if you should get caught... tell that officer that if protestors are allowed to exercise their right to "free speech," then we Billionaires must be allowed to exercise our right to "free market."


- posted by Mary Dritch

 
Billionaires Shout Worlwide Huzzah! as Oil Prices Hit New Peaks
Billionaires all over the world gave shouts of pleasure today as the price of crude peaked at $53 a barrel, the highest in 21 years. President Bush himself will no doubt join our jubilation, both as the scion of a dynasty of oilmen, and an owner of oil companies himself.
The way the world is going seems to be holding the normies in a state of perpetual fear, but for those of us with billions of dollars in our pockets, it's a world full of bright, obscenely lucrative opportunity, as some projections show that the price of oil may reach a staggering 80 dollars a barrel next year.
Naturally, all of this has not seemed to put much of a dent in sales, either for us oil magnates or our car-company cronies. All of which just goes to show that out beloved President was right to go to war in Iraq. After all, blood may not be the cheapest liquid around, but my broker assures me it will never hit 80 dollars a barrel.

- posted by AMX

 
Woof! Woof! Representin' at Case Weste'n
Let's give it up for the CEO-st with the Most! In the first and only Vice Presidential Debate yesterday at Ohio's Case Western University, Dick "Scrapper" Cheney, went mano a mano, toe-to-toe and head-to-head with John Edwards, the dashing-but-deadly former trial lawyer who's captured the loins of potential women voters across the country. Look but don't touch, girls-- at least you rich ones-- this former po'boy made his fortune battling the insurance companies and pharmaceutical giants many of you now own!

The two men, as predicted, hammered away at various aspects of the situation in Iraq, each attacking the other's role in blocking reconstruction efforts. Then, at Minute 25, Edwards dropped the H-Bomb: he named Halliburton as the $7 1/2 -billion dollar winner of a no-bid contract that, he asserted, overcharged the US government for rebuilding Iraq's infrastructure. He went on to whine that despite being under investigation for bribery and nondisclosure, Hallie has continued to receive its payments. He even insinuated that this special treatment just may have something to do with Big Dick's ties to the co.*

While some might see this as a successful attack from Edwards, those of us with a marketing background know that any press is good press for a company struggling to gain a true global monopoly. The repeated mention of Halliburton's moniker is nothing but successful branding! Cheney made the proper response motions, accusing the Kerry/Edwards team of "throwing up a smokescreen" to obscure the true issues, but as he did, those of us watching on 60" plasma TVs could see the twinkle in his eye.


*To quote Mr. Colin A. Faver, "Well, duh!"

- posted by Alexis Anna Rolles

 
Solidaritas!
Yes, yes: the debate last week was very important, it was a big deal, yes yes yes. But all of the frenzy drew attention away from inspiring news: we Billionaires are growing!

Yes, it's true - the number of billionaires grew from 262 in 2003 to 313, according to another fabulous list from from Forbes Magazine. Topping the list, as expected, was Bill Gates - even though he has foolishly given away $28 billion over the past few years to charity.

This list represents victory in a battle fought by our Beloved Georgie on behalf of all of us, and of which Bill and Paul Allen and the entire Walton family and everyone else on that list have been an integral part: we have all borne witness to the struggle of our minority, we have suffered the indignity of misunderstanding by the majority of "financially challenged" folk simply because we, the few, have pretty much all the money. We have been shunned and called names, just because we know which caviar to serve with which rare vintage wines - and because we can afford to buy them both... and the companies that make them. They forget that, without us, there would be no one to sign that minimum-wage paycheck; there'd be nowhere for them to go every morning and feel like useful members of society. They don't understand how difficult it is to staff a palatial estate plus 3 vacation homes in different parts of the world with good help. They don't know the hardship of trying to decide between a baker's dozen of Manolo Blahnik's new line and that lovely must-have Tiffany's tennis bracelet.

But this report gives me hope that there really is a light at the end of the tunnel, and I don't think it's that of an on-coming train. With our numbers growing, soon we will no longer fear the ostracization we have suffered. There is strength in numbers, my people! Stand up and be counted!

- posted by Lotta Cash

 
In Praise of Rupert
Kudos again to Rupert Murdoch: he may be Australian, but as a Billionaire, he knows which side his bread is buttered on.

Murdoch's Fox News Channel recently made a splash with an online article by Carl Cameron, which served up an embarrassing, if entirely fictional, glimpse of John Kerry basking in the post-debate afterglow.

When the "mainstream" media finally realized that the Democratic candidate did not, in fact, boast of being a "metrosexual" who shows off his "nails and cuticles" and tells his adoring fans: "I do manicures," Fox dutifully yanked the amusing little anecdote from their Web site.

A less formidable media powerhouse might have then caved to public opinion and fired poor Cameron. But not Fox, which let the impish little dickens off with a slap on the wrist, calling it a "lapse in judgment."

Let's just hope Rupert's minions learn to write more convincing fiction. We Billionaires need to use every weapon in our arsenal to keep the Great W. in power -- and that includes making up the news!

- posted by Colin A. Faver