The Perils of Slumming on Vacation: Crawford, TX Newspaper Endorses Kerry
Let this be a lesson to all of us: If you're going to spend a lot of time at a country estate, be careful about slumming out in the sticks.

Case in point: the Lone Star Iconoclast, newspaper of record in Crawford, Texas, has stabbed our brother George in the back by reversing their endorsement from 2000 and giving it to John Kerry.

Just listen to the anti-Billionaire poison spouted by the yokels in Crawford: Privatizing Social Security "would put the entire economy in a dramatic tailspin." (Are there no money managers in Crawford?) "Unless we have assurance that the Ivan Boeskys and Ken Lays of the world will be caught and punished as a deterrent," the editorial goes on, "[privatization would] subject both the Market and the Social Security Fund to fraud and market manipulation." I guess it's easy to demonize Ken Lay when your most lucrative local industry involves shoveling cow manure.

But it gets worse. On the Iraq war, which the Iconoclast also endorsed at the time, the editors now complain of having been "duped into following yet another privileged agenda." Well, if you don't want to roll up your sleeves and work for Halliburton, don't bellyache about being cut out of the action! Speaking of Halliburton, the editorial goes on to say that "Vice President Cheney's Halliburton has been awarded multi-billion-dollar contracts without undergoing any meaningful bid process." And this is supposed to be a bad thing?

It goes on and on: Bush has given away "tax cuts to businesses that sent American jobs overseas, and, in fact, by policy encourage their departure" as well as "billions of tax dollars in government contracts without competitive bids;" and turned the budget surplus into "the worst deficit in the history of the United States, creating a debt in just four years that will take generations to repay." Somehow, all of these achievements are cast in a negative light.

I guess that's what happens when you build your vacation getaway outside a town with a per capita income of $15, 421. If you're thinking of building that next summer cottage, fellow Billionaires, consider a more privileged enclave like Aspen, Hillsborough, California, or the Cayman Islands. The real estate may cost a little bit more, but when it comes to the quality of the neighbors, you get what you pay for.

- posted by Colin A. Faver

 
Kerry Underlines Bush's Commitment to Billionaires in Post Debate Speech
For once today, Billionaires across the land lauded John Kerry's remarks as he pointed out the obvious by stating that Mr. Bush's prime agenda is in aiding the rich and the corporations beholden to them. Mr Kerry's remarks were apparently meant to be disparaging, but Billionaires took them as completely understandable, and continue to have faith that the horse sense of the masses will allow them to recognize us as their natural superiors and vote accordingly.

Of course, some elements, probably Communist, in the Democratic party, have attempted to paint favoritism towards the upper classes as un-American and detrimental to our society, but we might point out that John Kerry himself is nothing else than a jumped-down billionaire. By pandering to the unwashed hordes of normies out there, Mr. Kerry is spitting on some of the most basic American values: profiteering, elitism, and the commercialization of all we hold dear. So thank you for the remarks, Mr. Kerry, but next time you have something to say about our beloved President, keep it to yourself and the groundlings.

- posted by AMX

 
Memo to Bush: Defend our Tax Cut!
Well, friends, I must admit that I was a little disappointed with our President last night, particularly when John Kerry took him to task for giving Billionaires a tax cut rather than investing in homeland security, police, fire, and securing loose nukes.

To his credit, the President did say that such expenditures would be too expensive, especially since they would create a "huge tax gap." But he should have been firmer. We know that this president has worked hard to reduce the burden of taxes on the wealthiest Americans, so why doesn't he say so with more pride? After all, if Joe Six-Pack really wants to scoop up abandoned nuclear weapons in the former Soviet Union, he can simply take a chunk out of his trust fund and pay for it himself! And as for cops and firemen on the street, has no one ever heard of private security? I have an entire fleet of ex-Marines just guarding my country house, and thanks to Bush's tax cut, I can even hire someone to keep an eye on the tool shed!

So come on, Mr. President. Don't deny your base its due. Stand up for what you believe in: the rights of the rich to get richer!

- posted by Colin A. Faver

 
Viacom CEO Nobly Suppresses Anti-Bush News
Score another one for CEO power: CBS News has decided to withhold a report on Bush's use of forged documents to justify the incredibly profitable Iraq war -- until after the election!

Remember that report that Iraq tried to buy uranium from Niger? The one cited in the 2002 State of the Union address? The one that turned out to be ... well, let's call it "a dramatization?" Bush claimed it was all an honest mistake (just like Enron and WorldCom's accounting ledgers - wink wink!), but earlier this month CBS was about to air a tough new report that suggested Bush's team knew more about the forgeries than they're letting on. Fortunately for us, CBS bumped the report in favor of the now-infamous National Guard papers story.

Now, a spokesperson for CBS says it would be "inappropriate" to air such a damaging story so close to the election. Hear, hear! We Billionaires know exactly where that order's coming from. Sumner Redstone, CEO of Viacom (CBS' parent company) endorsed President Bush just one day before axing the unflattering Iraq story.

At Forbes magazine's Global CEO Conference (wasn't it a blast?), Redstone explained why he's a "liberal Democrat" who nonetheless supports Our Friend W.: "I look at the election from what's good for Viacom. I vote for what's good for Viacom. I vote, today, Viacom."

Well put, Sumner! Thanks for not only voting Viacom, but for controlling the news for Viacom as well. We wouldn't want any carping over phony war rationales to get in the way of our President's pro-Billionaire agenda.

- posted by Colin A. Faver

 
To Whom Will We Turn for Cheese?
I typically don't allow talk of politics at dinner-- especially when that dinner has been exquisitely rendered by my private chef and served to an intimate social circle of heiresses, moguls, and power brokers. But this time it's unavoidable.

A recent poll conducted by the Program on International Policy Attitudes in Washington (PIPA) found that of 35 countries surveyed, only three preferred President-Patriot George W. Bush to John Kerry. 30 chose the Democratic* candidate, with two undecided. Among the biggest Kerry-philes were, according to PIPA, "all of America's traditional allies. These included Norway (74% for Kerry to 7% for Bush), Germany (74% to 10%), France (64% to 5%), the Netherlands (63% to 6%), Italy (58% to 14%), and Spain (45% to 7%)."

I suppose we should have expected nothing less from continental Europe, whose love affair with socialized medicine and the Kyoto protocol screams anti-Billionaire in 12 different languages. France in particular was a no-brainer-- after leading foreign opposition to U.S. policies in Iraq, Prime Minister Jacques Chirac's way of making nice is to boast that he "still likes a Bud". But now, even Great Britain has turned their proverbial coat, showing a 47% to 16% Kerry preference. What gives, friends? Embarrassed that your GDP is again getting trounced by a former colony?

As usual, America should be easily able to ignore the international community at large. In fact, upon reading this news, I immediately swore a boycott on products from these clearly hostile regions. The problem is, with only the Philippines, Nigeria and Poland as allies, from where will I get my truffles, wine and cheese? Anyone who has ever tried to wean themselves off Dom Perignon will know my pain. Muscat Odessa, anyone?
_________
*by which I mean Communist.

- posted by Alexis Anna Rolles

 
Voting: Nothing's perfect!
Kerry supporters and the liberal media were in a tizzy over Donald Rumsfeld's admission that violence in Iraq may be too great to hold January elections in some parts. "Well, that's so be it. Nothing's perfect in life," said Mr. Rumsfeld of leaving up to a quarter of the country out of the election process. Well said, Donald. We Billionaires couldn't agree more, and are working to keep large parts of the American electorate out of our November election as well. Whether its dubious voting laws, paperless voting machines, or good old-fashioned tossing of ballots, we're lending our money to the folks who make sure that having your vote counted is a privilage, not a right.

- posted by Owen Dwight Howse

 
I Love It When a Plan Comes Together!
Well, my chickens, we got quite a little jolt last week, didn't we? When I heard that Congress had approved a $145.9 billion middle-class tax relief extension and was just simply waiting for the approval of our Fearless Leader, I nearly choked on my pate. I mean, really: can we afford that? We already pay Those People to have children through welfare; isn't the child tax credit rather redundant? I was so befuddled, I could barely tell which glass in front of me was the Perrier and which was the Perrier Jouet. But I pulled myself together, got a refill on the Jouet, and turned the page...

... and realized that I owe our Beloved Georgie an apology; I shall never doubt him again! For there, on the very next page, I beheld a perfect example of the beauty that is the current administration. They may be cutting taxes for the middle "little people," but they're reconfiguring the housing voucher formula so that the Federal Government won't have to pay as much towards housing those who earn less than $14,000 a year. [These people in the program only pay 30% of their total yearly income in rent! Imagine where we would live if we spent 30% of an income like ours on housing!] Currently, the voucher formula is based on fair market rent; the Bush Administration would like to use a combination of the rents of both city and the smaller urban areas to calculate the average rent, and between that and a decisive cut in funding, will save us all at least $1.6 billion - maybe even more once the retro-active portion of the proposal kicks in, forcing agencies to rebudget mid-year.

It doesn't make up for the lost income we'll suffer when we give the middle class that tax break, but it's a good start! I can't wait to see how else he'll make up the difference - it's such a brilliantly-played game of strategy (or is that, "strategerie...").

- posted by Lotta Cash