Mothers Opposing Billionaires
A guest post from Phil T. Rich's cousin, Bjorn Rich:

I nearly choked on my champagne this morning when I heard about this group of so called
"mothers" opposing bush.

These radical lunatics are trading on the privileged status of "mater" (Mumsy's still my primary
influence) to promote such fringe concepts as quality education, affordable health care, environmental stewardship and, worst of all, derailing the Iraqi gravy train. All this in the name of their alleged "children." To make matters worse, they have somehow managed to hornswoggle enough money out of willing dupes to air a disturbingly persuasive television advertisement.

Sounds more like "Mothers Opposing Billionaires" if you ask me.

Mercifully, their funds are so limited that the airings of this irresponsible call to "mothers" have been limited. We should do our best to keep it that way. All responsible Billionaires should discourage visits to the MOB.org website and do all in our considerable power to forestall further contributions to their scurrilous media campaign.

If this kind of middle-class propaganda reaches the masses, there's no telling what the ramifications could be. Imagine what would happen to our Haliburton interests or to our precious pharmaceutical investments if the rabble figures out what we're up to.

- posted by Owen Dwight Howse

 
Bush Weathers the Storm of Global Warming Hysteria
Former Billionaire ally Tony Blair has buckled under pressure from anxiety-ridden scientists and sub-par regimes. Britain's Blair has pledged to force international action on global warming, despite the reluctance of big powers like the United States.
Bush has supposedly suppressed the release of a report warning that major European cities will be sunk beneath rising seas as Britain is plunged into a Siberian climate.
An enlightened Billionaire fore-mother once said, "Let them eat cake!" If Europe's tide rises, we Billionaires will be the first to do our part. We'll sell them boats and build entire floating cities. Where there is a demand, Billionaires have historically come to the aid with an ample supply.
Britain may turn out to be a little chilly- what's new? We'll send hats and scarves and thermodynamic uber heaters. What the Brits lose in royal gardens, they will make up for with an amazing new array of arctic wildlife. What a wonderful new world it will be.
- posted by Mary Dritch

 
Billionaires Slapped in Face by Third World Bureaucrat: Annan calls Iraq War Illegal
Kofi Annan, Secretary General of the UN, showed his political stripes today as a blatant supporter for that class traitor, John Kerry. He accused the US of taking illegal action in the war in Iraq, saying the war was not legally sanctioned by the UN. As we Billionaires all know, the prime purpose of the UN is to promote stability and thereby promote environments where corporations and their profits can flourish. As such, the UN and its popinjay of a Secretary General should not be making declarations of this sort at all, but since he has the gall to do so, we Billionaires cannot remain silent.

Our beloved President has done a sterling job in creating ridiculously lucrative opportunities for us in the new Iraq, never shying from body counts and horrific violence so long as the bottom line continues to grow. We billionaires salute this unswerving commitment to profiteering, and any talk of 'legality' in such terms is entirely beside the point. As Billionaires we fight for our right to be filthy rich, and such laws as stand in our way, can be changed, gotten around, or simply disregarded. We find that we are rich enough to change history in the aftermath, and those poor normies who believe the law shields all of us equally need only look in history books to see the truth of that. So, Kofi, get over it, and get with the winning team.

- posted by AMX

 
Workin' Overtime!
Friends, Romans, businessmen-- lend me your ears, 'cause I gotta vent.

My god! What good, I say what GOOD is a Republican-led Senate Appropriations Committee if you can't trust it to keep corporate interest at heart? Less than a month has passed since the President's new overtime rules went into effect, and already Congress is meddling with our windfall. Today, this supposedly GOP-run Committee voted 16-13 to abolish the regulations so lovingly crafted to eradicate unnecessary overtime pay to millions of paeans, or as they insist on being called, "workers".

In a stunning display of Elephant traitordom, Sens. Arlen Specter of Pennsylvania and Ben Campbell of Colorado joined Committee Democrats in voting to approve the rollback amendment proposed by lurid Saint of the Plebes, Tom Harkin of Iowa. Now-- their motives are no mystery: Specter, up for re-election, is clearly bowing to the thug-like presence of labor unions in his crass, blue-collar state, and Campbell is retiring from office. (Which I suppose means he could now give a &*^$ about corporate lobbyist dollars.) But it doesn't explain the House of Representatives (also GOP-owned, last time I looked) approving a similar repealment measure last week. Just where are my special-interest checks going to these days? C'mon, folks-- check out the sector totals (and these)! The Republican Congressional Committees don't get their money from Labor-- it's Business & Finance that keeps the red states red! And Business & Finance ain't served by a bunch of grousing clock-punchers keeping their precious 40-hour work week.

Fortunately, this embarrassing Congressional rebuke of the Prez could evaporate when House-Senate bargainers finalize the spending bill to which this abominable amendment is attached. Such a move is exactly what saved the OT regulations in the past, despite both the full House and Senate voting to block them. And, of course, our George is again ready to veto the entire spending bill if the Harkin provision survives. At least the Big Guy knows which side his toast is buttered on.

Now if you'll excuse me, I have some angry letters to dictate.

- posted by Alexis Anna Rolles

 
Money Managers' Magic 8-Ball
Things are looking up, my friends: In a reversal from just a month ago, our nation's money managers are now predicting a Bush win in November.

It's no secret that those of us in the financial sector would love four more years of W. Perhaps it's because corporate tax enforcement has all but disappeared in the Bush years, even as corporate taxes themselves have declined. Perhaps it's because many major corporations, especially those in the energy industry, have paid good money to write W.'s environmental policy. Or perhaps it's because the wealthiest one percent of Americans (and therefore, the most vigorous investors) got an average tax break of $662,569 under W.'s plan. That's compared to a nationwide median cut of $470 and an average cut of $304, paid for courtesy of foreign and national debt and the Social Security trust fund -- but hey, who's counting? We Billionaires won't be needing our Social Security checks, thank you very much (although they do help pay off the monthly polo club membership), and the children of the working class will be more than happy to pay off all those debts.

In the meantime, let the good times roll!

- posted by Colin A. Faver

 
And now, it's time for another installment of...
"ASK A 'LOTTA' QUESTIONS!"

Dear Lotta,

I was so happy to hear the music of the phrase "Privatized Social Security" in the President's acceptance speech at the Convention. Why do some people think it's a bad idea? Don't they understand that George II only has the best interest of the elderly, like his very own mama, at heart?

Sincerely,
Rich N. Olde


Dear Rich,

Ah, yes... the privatization of Social Security. It's such an inspired idea, I very nearly hate myself for not thinking of it first. It really would be such a beautiful homage to the Almighty Dollar - take care of it whilst you're young, and it will take care of you when you get old. So very poetic. Taking the part of your paycheck earmarked for the Social Security Fund and putting it into a private account to invest at your discretion is capitalism at its finest! Not to mention all of the job opportunities that would be created - someone will have to manage all those new accounts! It will be good for aspiring investment bankers (read: young Billionaire hopefuls) everywhere.

But to your question. Rich, I really don't know what all of the fuss is about. What's so hard about investing in the stock market? Peruse the Wall Street Journal over your morning coffee, take your portfolio manager out for lunch once in a while, and throw gobs of money at whatever's hot on the ticker. Making some friends in major industries doesn't hurt, either - pour some drinks into them and you could learn a lot about where to put your money! It's a lot of fun, too; why do you think they call it "playing the stock market"? It sure worked for me.

Just remember: "If you can count your money, you don't have a billion dollars." J. Paul Getty

- posted by Lotta Cash