GW Rallies Swift Defense
Popluar media is entrenched in a battle of semantics this election season. Fellow Texan Dan Rather fired the most recent buckshot at our esteemed Billionaire buddy GW... as if a few mimeographed scribbles from unfortunate military men whose fathers were not influential enough to keep them out of duty will sway voters!

George W. Bush HAS been in battle. Almost daily, he fights skirmishes on the front pages of newspapers to protect our Billionaire interests. He has been loyal to us Billionaires and we, the strongest, shrewdest and best connected warriors in the world have answered his rally cry- that makes for a powerful leader my friends.
When GW found it necessary to invade oil-rich Iraq, buddy Billionaire Dick Cheney knew just the company that could provide the needed resources. Now that his military duty is being questioned, we Billionaires have responded by donating "6.7 million dollars to Swift Boat Veterans for Truth" (NY Times 9/11/04), perhaps the greatest threat to John Kerry's run for the presidency. I need to give a special "Huzaah!" to Texas oilman T. Boone Pickens (one helluva Billionaire name) for making the largest contribution to this important advocacy group.

There is this idea of a military cog that the popular media find so important to the development of a leader's qualities and to his understanding of the high stakes of war. We Billionaires know that GW has been a faithful Commander in Chief in the most important war of all- protecting the Billionaire nation's wealth at all costs. Pull out your army green covered checkbooks, my friends, with only a few weeks left the mud-slinging is bound to get dirty.
- posted by Mary Dritch

 
Spoken Like a True CEO!
After a few stumbles, our pal Dick Cheney is back in form, having "cleaned up the controversy" about his remarks connecting a Kerry victory to the risk of a terrorist attack.

Cheney, as you may recall, said Tuesday that ""It's absolutely essential that eight weeks from today, on Nov. 2, we make the right choice, because if we make the wrong choice then the danger is that we'll get hit again and we'll be hit in a way that will be devastating from the standpoint of the United States."

Today, Cheney told the Cincinnati Enquirer: ""I did not say if Kerry is elected, we will be hit by a terrorist attack."

Well done, Dick! Could anyone but the world's most powerful government official-turned-CEO-turned government official pull off such a marvelous rhetorical sleight-of-hand? It's that kind of unapologetic mendacity that got Cheney where he is today, defending the interests of Machiavellian Billionaires everywhere in the most deliciously Machiavellian ways. I daresay, if he had been the CEO of Enron, he'd still be sitting in a corner office right now, swindling suckers from coast to coast out of their life savings -- and getting away with every last dime!

Too bad there's only one Dick Cheney to go around. But given that sad reality, I like him just where he is.

- posted by Colin A. Faver

 
Normies Worldwide Show Poor Taste: Poll in 35 Nations Shows Support for Kerry
Well, once again the great unwashed have shown their incredibly poor (in both senses of the word) taste in candidates, but this time the demon of ill choice has stepped beyond the borders of our lucrative homeland. A poll conducted in 35 countries this week showed that only three countries out of those favored the policies of our beloved President over those of that class-traitor Kerry, and would prefer that his Boston-Brahmin buttocks warm the chairs in the oval office by this time next year. Surprisingly, these three would-be additions to the well-heeled league of nations were the Phillipines, Nigeria, and Poland. Well done, all three of you, and Nigeria, with the way the situation in Iraq is going, we may be basing many more of our operations there in the future.

- posted by AMX

 
The Press Ought to Know Its Place!
My friends, this morning I'm so angry I can barely taste my caviar.

Apparently, a lawsuit from the Associated Press and a new report from CBS' "60 Minutes II" have forced the White House to unceremoniously release new records of W.'s Texas Air National Guard Duty. Now, Bush's enemies are crowing about the revelations, including confirmation that W. was suspended from flight duty, along with evidence that Bush escaped into Alabama just in time to avoid a high-pressure, 24-hour alert mission; that he may not have shown up in Alabama at all; that W. approached a commanding officer about how to avoid taking a physical; and that the Guard brass were pressured to give W. favorable reviews no matter what.

Well, duh! That's what being a rich boy in the Vietnam era was all about! But apparently, Dan Rather and his ilk are still pushing fairytales of fairness and equal treatment on the thumb-sucking infant that is the American public.

Excuse me, but who do these so-called "journalists" think they are? Don't they know that Rupert Murdoch, Clear Channel, or Halliburton could buy and sell them in a heartbeat? And what gives them the right to hold a wonderfully privileged, magnificently mollycoddled heir apparent like George Walker Bush to the tawdry standards of common accountability? Didn't their mothers ever teach them that the rich are different from you and me? (I say "you and me" in a strictly rhetorical sense, of course. If you are not rich, then I am, in fact, very different from you.)

And double shame on the wealthy backers of Texans for Truth,who are using their hard-accumulated money against the one man who has fought for the interests of Billionaires above all else! What are they thinking? Don't they know that we can only buy so many votes in this election? I've seen what happens when a lower-class voter gets jealous over a rich man's ability to rewrite history, and let me tell you, it isn't pretty. Pretty soon they get uppity and start demanding honesty from their leaders! And if this Administration is shackled by the Communist chains of honesty, my friends, we are all doomed.

Let's hope good Billionaires will come to the rescue and help W. stuff these skeletons back in the family closet, where they belong. Maybe we can create a new anti-Kerry group to distract from the proceedings. Sex sells; why not suggest Kerry is having a torrid affair with a basset hound? I'm sure a few working stiffs would be willing to corroborate that story for the right price. (And let's face it: Kerry kind of looks like a basset hound.)

In the meantime, it's going to take an extra bottle of Dom Perignon with breakfast to calm me down.

- posted by Colin A. Faver

 
All Hail Fall Guy
All good captains of industry know the cardinal rule: when the going gets tough, the tough get a fall guy. And thanks to some inadvertent help from the Government Accountability Office, the House of Bush has its goat.

On Tuesday, federal investigators announced findings that the Bush administration intentionally withheld data from Congress regarding the true cost of its Medicare drug coverage program. Now, any businessman worth his good cufflinks knows that when painting a picture for one's investors, one must use the sunniest palate possible. If that involves a wee concealing brushstroke or two, so be it. But apparently, when your 'investor' is the legislative arm of government, and when your 'wee concealment' amounts to $134 billion dollars of under-reporting, such actions are 'against the law'. Hmmph-- who knew?

Luckily, the feds were able to pin the wrongdoing on one Mr. Thomas A. Scully, former head of the Medicare agency. Back in March, it seems, Mr. Scully drew heat from typically outraged Democrats for allegedly threatening to fire longtime Medicare actuary Richard S. Foster if he revealed to Congress the actual budget projections of the President-backed bill. Myself, I was too busy celebrating the prospect of a fully privatized health-care system and what it would mean for my brethren at the drug companies and HMOs to notice some complainy-pants whining about his job security.... who says it's the Elephants who never forget?

In a formal legal opinion issued in Washington by the GAO's general counsel Anthony H. Gamboa, it was recommended that Mr. Scully repay $84,933 of the $145,600 salary he earned in 2003 from the government. The opinion cited a 1998 federal law forbidding an agency from paying a federal official who prevents another employee from communicating with Congress. In short, Scully has to cough up a measly little 5-figure penalty to save face for the entire Administration. Brilliant! Since the Skull-man is now a registered lobbyist for the health-care industry, he's hardly worried about where his next paycheck will come from. And Bush et al. can simply blame the old guy in charge, leaving current Medicare chief administrator Dr. Mark McClellan smelling like a rose as he strives to downplay the recent 17 percent increase in Medicare premiums. Everybody wins!*

Thanks, Fall Guy-- you're a true pal.

*-- except any slob sorry enough to rely on a Social Security check to get him his insulin.

- posted by Alexis Anna Rolles

 
It's the money, honey.
At an RNC party for major Bush fundraisers, Activision Software CEO Bobby Kotick neatly summed up why he was a Bush Ranger: "I just don't want to pay taxes."

Bobby, we Billionaires could not have said it better ourselves. Between offshore accounts and the aging AMT law that increasingly penalizes middle income Americans, we're making progress towards that goal. But we know that in order to completely eliminate the burden of taxes on the wealthy, we'll need a President who really understands the needs of the wealthy elite, and nobody understands our needs better than President Bush. Indeed, he demonstrated this recently when he announced a desire to rewrite the tax code. Of course, he hasn't laid out specifics, but what will a tax code written by the most big-business friendly President in a generation look like? I think Bobby just gave us a clue, and I'm just salivating at the idea!

And just when we thought one couldn't better state why we love the President so, Holly Coors, doyenne of the Coors beer family, trumped Bobby's comment with style and grace at the same party. Upon receiving a compliment for her work on President Bush's campaign, she remarked, "It's the money, honey." Cheers to that!

- posted by Owen Dwight Howse

 
The W. Stands for "Well-Connected"
What do you look for in a leader? I, for one, look not only for a man with an impeccable pedigree of wealth and privilege, but also for a man who has powerful connections and knows how to use them.

Let us take a moment, then, to put another feather in W's cap from his days back in the Texas Air National Guard. According to the Associated Press, a whole slew of records pertaining to George's service in 1972 and 1973 are, so to speak, "missing in action."

Now, you know as well as I that those records didn't jump up and walk away on their own. It takes power and influence to purge unflattering information from one's military file, and clearly Bush and his family knew just which strings to pull. Of course, we wouldn't expect any less from the man who masterfully slipped to the front of the line for Guard duty in the first place, or whose very appointment to the White House was engineered by a vertiable battalion of well-placed allies.

Without an experienced backdoor dealer like Bush in the White House, who will ensure that Billionaires, not nerdy scientists or grubby conservationists, write the nation's environmental policies? That our generous donations are met with a quid-pro-quo of regressive tax breaks? That firms like Halliburton have unfettered access to plump and juicy no-bid contracts? Certainly not John Kerry, who despite the "Forbes" in his name couldn't figure out how to duck active duty in 'Nam. When it comes to granting special favors to the rich, there's simply no substitute for experience.

- posted by Colin A. Faver

 
Good News from the 'Little People'
Ah, Labor Day. The day where those of us who do all of the really tough work - coming up with the brilliant ideas that make lots of money and keep this country sitting on top of the world - sit back and let the little people take all the credit. I've often wondered why it is that the cook gets all the applause, when it's the brilliant mind who came up with the recipe in the first place who really deserves the praise. But on the first Monday of September for the last 122 years, we have let those who simply follow directions gather in groups and walk en masse down long streets and make big speeches about their contribution to the prosperity of this great country.

But this Labor Day brings interesting news that warms the cockles of my diamond-studded platinum heart. It seems that our workforce is actually shaping up and getting a better attitude! 50 percent of American workers are 'completely satisfied' with their jobs, and 39 percent of workers are 'somewhat satisfied' (and who cares about that last 11 percent - they could learn a thing or two about the power of the positive from the other 89 percent...). And if those of us in charge keep sending jobs overseas, we could probably keep those numbers growing! And considering the demographic of those who say they are satisfied with their jobs - white, married, college-educated, homeowners and Republicans - we must be doing something right.

Or at the very least we're keeping it in the family.

- posted by Lotta Cash