Heroes of the Well-Heeled: A Post-Convention Tribute
What a week!

Call me a hopeless romantic, but I'm still walking on air from this week's GOP convention. Every time our friend W. said the words "we're not turning back," my heart went all a-twitter. If all goes well, we certainly won't be turning back: not to the days when nickel-and-dime wage earners coasted on the free lunch of progressive taxation, not to the days when corporations couldn't count on government welfare to increase their bottom line, not to the days when the tyranny of the public interest thwarted the profitable exploitation of the environment, not to the days when our finest corporations were forced to bid like common plumbers for government contracts, not to the days when Big Business and government alike were straitjacketed by the soft Communism of traditional accounting, and certainly not to the days when the top tier of the upper-upper-class settled for anything less than top priority.

If anything were missing from this convention, I'd say it was a moment of recognition for the incredibly wealthy people who have made the past four years as remarkable as they have been. People who have shown that money truly does make the world go round. People who have shown that if you keep your nose to the grindstone, apply yourself, and earn, inherit, embezzle, marry into, or hoard gobs and gobs of cash, you can write a nice fat check that changes American history.

So, I present to you a tribute to these unsung heroes.

To Rupert Murdoch, who created a sensationalistic and mind-blowingly right-wing media empire, including Fox News, the Weekly Standard, and the New York Post, proving that anyone with a little spunk and enough bank to finance an enormous international mass communications conglomerate can single-handedly influence our national discourse;

To the pro-Bush executives at Clear Channel Communications, which took FCC deregulation by the horns and swallowed the national radio market whole, ensuring that views unsympathetic to Bush or his Billionaire friends can be quickly silenced;

To Walden O' Dell, CEO of Diebold, Inc., who saw an opportunity for profit in the Florida election debacle, making a killing on paper-trail-free computerized voting machines after promising to deliver votes to W. in 2004;

To Bob Perry, the Texas construction magnate and six-figure Republican donor, who wrote a $100,000 check to create Swift Boat Veterans for Truth, showing that lots of money and a scruple-free private dick can manufacture the priceless commodity of outrage;

To Ken Lay and the good folks at Enron, for giving us a glimpse of a glorious future, unfettered by onerous laws that protect gullible employees, stockholders, and energy customers from the harsh realities of the free market;

To Halliburton, the "Greatest Corporation," for showing us how the right connections can turn a private enterprise into a de facto branch of the federal government;

To Dick Cheney himself, who showed that shuttling back and forth between the federal government and a major government contractor can ensure your indispensability to the public and private sector alike;

To the anonymous heroes of Cheney's secret energy task force, who rescued our nation's rivers, forests, and potentially lucrative undeveloped land from the suffocating clutches of Mother Nature;

And finally, to all of the spectacularly rich folks who have contributed big money to W.'s campaign war chest, rendering public financing largely irrelevant for the foreseeable future,

We, who are about to get even richer, salute you.


- posted by Colin A. Faver

 
Billionaires Bank on George W. Bush
Billionaires, we have much to look forward to under an extended Bush regime! My favorite quote of the night: "We will extend the frontiers of freedom." I'm drooling over my jewels at the thought of an ever expanding empire. We must applaud George's resolve to create jobs through "expansion" and "reducing regulations." His promise to "level the playing field" should keep war profits up and franchising in occupied lands at a premium.
On the homefront, "American Opportunity Zones!" Who better to take advantage of such apparent tax shelters than we Billionaires? Thank you, Georgie, for offering the loop in what will be a hole lotta money!
- posted by Mary Dritch

 
President to Downplay his Presence in Our Pockets
It is an exciting moment in history for Billionaires, as our money-making machine of a Prez stands poised to prove once again that the most profitable commodity of all is the credulity of the American people.

Tonight, our mighty President will take the stage in front of millions of Americans, billionaires and great unwashed alike. According to his campaign staff and political observers, he plans to use his speech to highlight his courage, resolve, and unquestioning plyability, rather than his sterling record of service to Billionaires. It is yet another brilliant move on behalf of our obedient leader, sidestepping his use of war and corporate welfare in the name of Billionaires with code words like 'steadfast courage' and 'tax relief'.

Well, we billionaires are immensely relieved, and looking forward to his re-appointment in November, but that will require the masses to mortgage their hopes and prosperity for a promise, whose practical realization will translate into our profits skyrocketing as never before.

Huzzah for his Majesty King George II!


- posted by AMX

 
Halliburton's Humble Past
Just on the heels of Dick Cheney's convention speech, we now learn that TSKJ, the consortium of which his former firm Halliburton is a part, once discussed bribing Nigerian officials to secure a government contract.

My friends, if this doesn't lay bare the stakes in this election, I don't know what does. To think that a wonderful firm like Halliburton, which now enjoys unprecedented access to multibillion-dollar no-bid government contracts, once was so hard-up for work that it considered buttering up a cash-poor country like Nigeria simply chills me to the bone. Keep in mind that Nigeria's gross domestic product currently ranks only 50th in the world, well behind such economic powerhouses as Peru, Algeria and Bangladesh. Can you imagine if Halliburton had to depend on a country like this for its government largesse? Next thing you know, they'd be cutting price-fixing deals with Albanian goatherders!

Let us pray that we never return to the Dark Ages, when American conglomerates in search of special favors were forced to knock on the back door of the Third World. Let's keep bribery where it belongs: in the good old U.S.A.!

- posted by Colin A. Faver

 
The Nelson Mandela of Billionaires
As we prepare tonight to coronate our friend George W. before a roaring crowd of the rich and the privileged, let us take a moment to remember a man for whom politics has not been so kind. A man whose reputation has been senselessly tarnished by groundless, politically motivated charges.

We speak, of course, of Ken Lay.

This week, Lay, Enron's former commander-in-chief, boldly claimed that the 11-count indictment against him is a cynical ploy. In his own words, to the Washington Post: "The legal case against me, standing alone, is a flimsy, hollow shell and reeks of politics."

Amen to that, brother Ken. If a man of your standing -- a business pioneer on a par with Andrew Carnegie, Henry Ford, and Al Capone - can be persecuted for such trivial, victimless "crimes" as "securities fraud," "bank fraud," "wire fraud," and "making false statements," then none of us is safe.

Lay maintains that Bush's Justice department underlings are indicting him now, and delaying his trial, in order to distance themselves from Enron's extensive ties to the Bush administration. With so much anti-Billionaire prejudice in our nation, it's hard to blame them. And while we're confident that Ken will eventually get away unscathed, does he really deserve to spend the entire fall unable to schedule his next trip to the Caymans, just because he doesn't know his trial date?

So tonight, as George lays out his plan for making America's billionaires even richer and more powerful, we hope he will put in a good word for Kenny Boy. To paraphrase W's favorite philosopher, Jesus Christ, "Whatsoever you do to the wealthiest and most successful of My brothers, you do to Me."



- posted by Colin A. Faver

 
Billionaires: No Economic Girlie Men Here!
Today, every Billionaire stands with California's spectacularly rich Republican governor, Arnold Schwarzenegger, and his inspiring remarks at the convention. Male or female, buff or brittle, we all deplore the naysaying of America's "economic girlie men."

How could anyone not love this economy? The gap between the rich and the poor keeps growing, which proves that our greatest Billionaires are constantly re-defining what it means to be upper-crust. Bush's tax cuts have heavily favored Billionaire-Americans, especially cuts on that gift that keeps on giving, unearned income! Corporate profits are soaring, even as the working classes grouse about their paltry paychecks. And speaking of paychecks, median CEO salaries are up 15 percent in the past year -- 22 percent for the richest of the rich!

So buck up, economic girlie-men: The rich are getting richer! The least you can do is be happy for us.


- posted by Colin A. Faver

 
What Price Swift Veterans? $40 Million apiece!
The cost of scaring up a single Swift Boat Veteran to oppose John Kerry's war record has revealed itself -- and it's a Billionaire bargain!

Retired naval Rear Adm. William L. Schachte Jr., the latest of the anti-Kerry Swift Boaters, says he agnonized for months over whether to come forward and dispute Kerry's first Purple Heart. Was he moved by conscience? By a quest for truth? Nay, by the mighty hand of Cold Cash: turns out Schachte is a long-time Bush supporter, big-ticket Bush donor, and a lobbyist who recently scored a $40 million federal contract for his client. Clearly he knows which side his bread is buttered on! If you ask me, $40 million is a small price to pay for another chink in Kerry's armor, especially when the Feds are footing the bill!

Meanwhile, Karl Rove has joined the throng of privileged Republicans chiding Kerry's criticism of the Vietnam War. Thank goodness Rove, Cheney, Rice, Wolfie, and our beloved W. never slummed it in Vietnam themselves! Otherwise, who would be starting these incredibly profitable wars?

Get the message, John Kerry: Wars are planned by the rich, and fought by the poor. That's tantamount to natural law. Whose side are you on, anyway?


- posted by Colin A. Faver

 
Methinks They Doth Protest...
It's Day 3 of Convention Hoopla and I don't know about you, but I'm tickled pink as the knickers of Jim McGreevey. The protestors we all feared and potentially reviled have proven a more entertaining diversion than picking apart Therea Heinz Kerry's wardrobe. From the besnouted "Hallibacon" pig-people to the symbolic "unemployment line" wending its way 'round Wall Street, impoverished imps everywhere are making jolly fools of themselves all over Manhattan. (From their rosy hued costumes and colorful 'pink slips', I'd say they're tickled as well!)

Nothing makes me happier than to see a heartfelt celebration of this glorious Administration. Consider the Pig Folks: donning chintzy tiaras and boas to match their swine's probosces, they tossed about fake $100 bills as they shouted "We love money. We love war. We love Cheney even more!" Though their jewelry was of shoddy quality, their currency admittedly false, these courageous ragamuffins nonetheless showed fine spirit in, for a change, hailing our Veep's hallowed Halliburton history. How nice of them to cross party lines and speak up for the Good Guys!

Then there's the 3-mile Out-of-Work Line (or as I like to call it, "Practice"): these scrappy welfare-collectors prove what I've said all along: the unemployed like to stand in line! The entire demonstration proved a touching expression of thanks to our George for kindly eradicating 1.1 million clearly unsavory and unwanted jobs.

So let's hear it for the Mobs, the filthy scamps, who've gathered to entertain us on our way to Le Cirque. Not only have given us laughter-- they've gotten themselves arrested in numbers nearing 1,000, so that the streets can be that much cleaner and prettier for our Cheney's speech tonight.

- posted by Alexis Anna Rolles

 
And now, it's time for...
"ASK A 'LOTTA' QUESTIONS!"

Dear Lotta,

I'm confused by the new overtime pay laws. How can I be sure I've restructured my management and salaries to keep overtime compensation as close to $0,000,000.00 per quarter as possible?

Signed,
Bureaucratic in Dubuque


Dear B.I.D.,

Yes, we all held our breaths a little when discussion of this first came up at the beginning of the year. Who knew what an overhaul of the 50+ year old Fair Labor Standards Act might bring to the humble employer? But after those useful bits of advice on how to skirt the issue entirely - courtesy of our friendly neighborhood Labor Department - back in January, we Billionaires could all cheer on the beauty of Dear Georgie's signature as it flowed across the bottom of the new rules in the FLSA. Watching his pen move... it's like watching the grace of ice dancers as they pirhouette their way around the spotlight... and if you listen really closely, you can almost hear the coins dropping into your piggy bank.

But I digress. Here are some things to remember that will help George W. to help you keep overtime payments at a minimum:

Tip #1: Give promotions! Yes, it's true! All of those snively little "squeaky wheels" who are always giving such helpful advice on how to do things "better" can finally be rewarded for all of those little suggestions. Let them supervise (i.e. make the lives miserable of) two other employees - preferably, two other know-it-alls. By simply giving out a title like "manager" or "supervisor," you can heap more work on your star employees without paying a penny over their current salaries. They may put in a 60- or 70-hour work week (or even 80 if you're really creative with your work assignments), but it won't cost you a single dime more than if they were working a normal 40-hour week.

Tip #2: Give raises! Now, don't have a coronary; I know it's a radical idea at the very least. But as long as you pay them $425 a week and call them "manager" or "sole charge executive," the o.t. buck stops there! By simply converting them to a salaried employee for a yearly total of around $22,000, you can banish the black cloud of "time-and-a-half" that hangs over your head when all you want is to get some work done and put some money in the bank. All the work gets done, and with all of those inspired corporate tax breaks on FICA and Medicare taxes we can enjoy, you actually end up spending less money! I love this country!!!

Yes, my chickens, I'm thinking of it all as an application of the honey-versus-vinegar theory: promote them and give them more money; that way, what will they ever have to complain about? Besides, they'll be too busy fulfilling their new job requirements to realize just how much less money they're taking home each week. There are also lots of other things you can do, like change their job description or offer compensation time - that they can only take at your discretion, of course. Whichever you choose, rest easy - we'll still end up paying them less per hour than we were before the changes.

- posted by Lotta Cash

 
"Catastrophic Success" = Unparadoxical Oxymoron
As he gears up to present his second-term agenda to Billionaires nationwide, our friend W. has been taking a little flak for calling the Iraq war a "catastrophic success."

Some say this little bon mot is just another casualty in Mr. Bush's longstanding struggle with the English language. But we Billionaires know better.

For what turn of phrase would better describe the incredible business opportunity that's been created in Iraq? Thanks to the bombs that (catastrophically?) leveled Iraq's skyline and decimated its infrastructure, American firms like Halliburton have been able to reap billions in new contracts for cleaning up the mess! And thanks to George's graceful refusal to drag the contracting process through the muck of competitive bidding, Hallie's bottom line will be fatter than most civilian contractors could ever hope for.

But Halliburton isn't the only beneficiary. The latest figures show defense firms like Lockheed Martin posting awesome profits, as they "gear up for the wars of the future," in the words of Legg Mason defense analyst Troy Lahr. Meanwhile, all across America, average working Joes are lining up to take new contracting jobs on the war-torn streets of Baghdad, courtesy of Halliburton subsidiary KBR. The good folks at KBR are offering generous salaries to compensate for the risk of (catastrophic?) death or dismemberment. And even in those cases, KBR representative Peter Hollatt has assured applicants that their remains will be shipped back to the U.S. on the company's dime, except in the event of a (catastrophic) nuclear, biological, or chemical attack.

So you see, our friend George W. knew exactly what he meant. Catastrophes mean great success for American business! We Billionaires look forward to many more foreign catastrophes in the years ahead.



- posted by Colin A. Faver