Billionaires Surrounded: Loud Jobless Hordes Infest New York
The greatest, which is to say the richest, city in the world has already been flooded with hordes of so-called protesters in anticipation of this week's Republican National Convention. These unwashed yet extremely vocal mobs have already been taking to the streets, demonstrating and taking any opportunity to try and get their mewling little voices heard by people rich and powerful enough to count. These people have been absolutely shameless in deriding and attacking our wonderfully well-heeled President, and their unpatriotic and bargain-basement sentiments promise to grow ever louder as the week progresses. Of course, most of them are poor, and as such must resort to cheap, tacky means of expressing themselves, like banners, puppets, and playing inexpensively manufactured guitars at passersby.
As befits his stature as one of our most honored lackies, Mayor Bloomberg has kindly agreed to severely restrict these uncouth gatherings so that we in the priviliged minority need hardly sully ourselves in contact with them. Nevertheless, in order to show them the error of their ways, we billionaires will be taking every opportunity we can to show them how misguided they are, how much we love our President, and just how much the NYPD enjoys using those tasers.
- posted by AMX

 
Write Large Checks!
Rejoice, fellow Billionaires! Our President has acknowledged the importance we are playing in the election this year. In a recent New York Times interview, while talking about 527 organizations, he remarked, "We have billionaires writing checks, large checks, to influence the outcome of the election." As if we would leave it to chance that the outcome of the election would be anything but four more years of lax environmental regulations, no-bid contracts, and tax cuts. Indeed, with 2 out of 3 billionaires writing checks, large checks, for the Bush campaign, he knows where the love is.
- posted by Owen Dwight Howse

 
Mum's the word;-)
Fellow Billionaires, start working on those secret handshakes and ironic code words. Thanks to our government's growing concern over terror threats, a shroud of secrecy is being pulled over the nation's eyes.
The Nuclear Regulatory Commission will no longer provide a scorecard of security at power plants. The Federal Communications Commission has voted to withold news of communication blackouts from the public. Tom Ridge is considering removing hazardous-material signs from trains and trucks. The current administration made 44.5 million decisions to classify material in its first two years! Each document costs a measly $459 to bury good and deep. I pay that for a pedicure. And would pay much more to hide a skeleton or a toxic spill or the crappy service my telecommunications conglomerate offers!
Mystery has always been good for business. It's the crafty way billionaries, and our royal ancestral heritage, have managed to profit despite civil wars and plagues and market crashes. You see, we've managed to glamourize the mysterious. Consider pirates, gypsies, pool sharks and organized crime. Scoundrels all, but glamourous in the eyes of peasants. No one wanted a drink more than during prohibition! But stay sober dear friends, because we stand to see a boon during these clandestine days. Closed door meetings and the suppression of information always mean profits. Fellow Billionaire Bush is taking care of his own. Even he knows, the only folks with the information will be those priveleged enough to afford it!

- posted by Mary Dritch

 
How The West Was Spun
When she wasn't holed up in the master bedroom mixing Dom-and-Valium cocktails, my mother always told me: "If a job is worth doing, it's worth doing all the way." And while she may have been referring to our stable boy Andreas, the life lesson remains no less true.

Sadly, this lesson is one clearly never imparted to conservation lobbyists. On Tuesday the Bush Administration came under fire from the Environmental Working Group, which released findings that despite the oil and gas industry's "nearly unfettered opportunity" to drill in 229 million acres of public and private land across 12 Western states, the country is as dependent as ever on foreign oil. According to federal land use records since 1982, the amount of energy yielded from this land is enough to satisfy only 53 days of U.S. oil consumption and 221 days of natural gas consumption, or an average of 3.6 days per year of oil and 14.8 days per year of natural gas. They neglect to mention that these could potentially be very enjoyable days.

The EWG report contends that the President & his high-ranking officials have downplayed the small yield from the net 45 million acres they've opened for drilling since coming to power, and in doing so have perpetrated the "myth" that we can answer our increasing energy needs with domestic excavation. But are not myths the inspiration for greatness? It may not seem like much of a bumper crop, but 18.4 oil-and-gas-fueled days per year are exactly 18.4 more days than what we'd get from staring at protected wetlands filled with moose or whatever. How can we know what drops can be wrung from our own natural resources until we by-God wring 'em all? As Mummy said, go all the way.

Furthermore, unlike oil wells, moose do not make money. And given the $75-plus million the oil and gas industry has poured into political campaigns between 2000 and 2004, with 79 percent going to Republicans, it's nice to know their money is winning them the influence they seek. As Daddy often said to Mummy, you get what you pay for.

- posted by Alexis Anna Rolles

 
How about some overtime for Billionaires?
As new overtime rules from the Bush administration went into effect this week, some whiners were protesting outside the Department of Labor in Washington: "Come on all you billionaires, give us wages that are fair." Well, as a Billionaire, I'd like to talk about fair wages for a moment. Busting unions, fixing accounting numbers and covering up environmental accidents often requires me to work late- sometimes as late as 5:30pm. Is it fair that I receive no overtime pay, despite the fact that I save investors untold amounts of money through these selfless acts? Of course not. Frankly, if CEOs such as myself don't receive overtime, neither should anyone who works for a CEO. We finally have a President that understands that everyone has a duty to boost the bottom line, and that sometimes that means working long hours for free.

- posted by Owen Dwight Howse

 
Not Just Another Get-Rich-Quick Scheme
Just when I thought I had exhausted every possible avenue for exploiting capitalism and making tons more money for myself (any other aspiring Trillionaires out there?), inspiration hits me once again - and from such an unusual source: the ACLU!

People have been so up-in-arms about our Dear Georgie's brilliant anti-terror program of data-mining - getting private industry to provide information like the names and addresses of their clients, as well as student loan application data, bank account numbers, credit card information, and taxpayer identification numbers - but I don't understand what all the fuss is about. If you didn't do anything wrong, you don't have anything to worry about, right? And now, the "premier provider of decision-making intelligence to businesses and government," ChoicePoint, is providing their investigative services to the government... and not for nothin', I'm sure.

So, if they're doing it, why can't I?

Apparently, 52 federal departments and agencies use data mining, 131 data mining strategies are operational right now, and 68 others are in the queue , so there's no shortage of buyers. I have thousands upon thousands of employees, and God only knows what they're up to after they leave the gentle fold of my factory floors, the wretched cretins. And if the U.S. Government is willing to pay me for each name, not only am I serving my country, but I am serving it by doing what I do best: making money!

Everybody wins - except those terrorists.

- posted by Lotta Cash

 
Swift Boat Veterans for Sale
Score another one for Big Money: The Billionaire-financed Swift Boat Veterans for Truth is starting to cause some serious headaches for the Kerry campaign. And our friend W. seems to like the group so much that one of his personal advisors recently appeared in their attack ad.

The Swift Boaters, as we all know, are primarily bankrolled by Republican home builder (and maxed-out Bush donor) Bob Perry of Texas, who has given over 200 grand to Republican candidates since 1999. They came together, in part, from the work of a private detective hired to dig up dirt on Kerry's military service. Perry's success reminds us that when wielding power from behind closed doors just isn't enough, we can always slap together a ragtag bunch of lovable blue-collar Joes to push our agenda to the masses. It's just like having your own boy band!

Emboldened by all the free press from the so-called liberal media, the SBVT's (who "served with" John Kerry in the same way that Donald Trump "lives with" the homeboys in Harlem) are launching a new offensive, challenging Kerry's criticism of the war in Vietnam after his tour of duty. Serves him right. Like our good friend George W., Kerry should have followed the traditional Billionaire approach to war: quietly applaud it from afar, and leave the combat duty to those socially beneath him.

- posted by Colin A. Faver