No Billionaire Left Behind
Thanks to GW's "No Child Left Behind," we'll be seeing a younger, cheaper workforce! During Bush's tenure as governor, "The Texas Miracle" succeeded in garnering dropout rates as high as 31% for white students, 49% for black and 53% for hispanics.

More recently, the popular media cried "scandal" when Houston school officials were found fudging the numbers to disguise high drop-out rates. Why all the fuss, anyway? Finally, we have a president who understands the waste of educating the masses. Thanks to his forward-looking reforms, teaching to the test is boring a whole generation of mediocre students (of which GW has an intimate understanding) out of the classroom and into low paying jobs in our factories and food chains!

Did I mention the charter schools? Another favorite of W's, they can be run by private companies outside the authority of local school boards! So what if new results show they're academically ineffective? Isn't that the point? May I suggest a slew of charter schools to improve the quality of our future domestic staffs? Jeez, good help is hard to come by. Perhaps Martha would consider developing the curriculum during all of her "free" time...

- posted by Mary Dritch

 
Billionaires Gagged! Soft Money Restriction for '06
It was a dark day for Billionaires today as the Federal Election Commision voted 4-2 to enact new restrictions on so-called 'soft-money' contributions to political campaigns.
Starting in 2006, any contribution over the paltry sum of 1000 dollars American will require significant disclosures of information. In addition, such contributions will face ridiculous restrictions vis-a-vis the ends to which they may be used.
Naturally, Billionaires for Bush are up in arms against this latest development in the battle for making free speech as expensive as possible. We bought our President fair and square, and we wouldn't dream of allowing his views to be influenced by a group as ignorant and uncouth as the moneyless masses we employ. Therefore, we rest easy in the knowledge that our heroic President will no doubt do his uttermost to rectify this gross injustice after we help purchase a new term for him, and we can be content as well that no member of the FEC will be on the guest list for the most sumptuous soirees of the season.
- posted by AMX

 
Pie Are Squared
I like pie, don't you? Not the cherry or the chocolate cream variety--too many carbs--but The Proverbial Pie, of which we Billioneers are getting an increasingly hearty piece. Thanks to G-Wonderful's embrace of foreign outsourcing, the plebian workforce is scrapping for more meager portions of the national dessert than ever. The 1 million new jobs created since Bush ascended to office are not only dwarfed by the 2.6 million lost in that time, but they pay less and offer fewer benefits! Three in five of the newly minted 'sucker positions' pay below the U.S. median hourly rate of $13.53, and the mean weekly wage ("mean" as in "average", but you can take it both ways) of $525.84 is at the nation's lowest level since October 2001.
According to a report issued by Toronto-based CIBC World Markets, industries that gained jobs during the last three years (hospitality, education, food service, temporary employment agencies) pay, on average, 30 percent less than the industries that lost jobs. Five years prior, that trend was reversed.
This is good news for anyone benefiting from the country's widening income gap, as evidenced not only by a recent Census Bureau report , but by the fact that sales for Porsche Cars North America are up 17% for the year even as more and more Americans are going to work in a paper hat.
So as the bottom fifth-ers nibble at their crumbs, we can stick our fingers right in the delicious confection of wealth--- so long as we savor the best part, the Upper Crust.

- posted by Alexis Anna Rolles

 
GWB: Fighting regulations so you don't have to.
As if we needed another reason to love George W. Bush, the New York Times reported recently that the Bush administration has been working hard to "eliminate burdensome regulations" and thus "protect billions in commerce." From opening federal forests for logging to scaling back needless OSHA staff, no president in recent years has passed as many regulations favoring big business like our Mr. Bush.

Of course, the administration has not deregulated without compassion. To "save hundreds of lives" from driver fatigue accidents, for instance, they extended the maximum drive time without rest for truckers from ten hours to eleven. If that's not compassion for our profits, I don't know what is.

Sadly, many of these regulations have been struck down by activist judges who seem to think there ought to be limits on presidential power. Just one more reason we need to privatize the judiciary and keep someone in the White House who will protect our billions from the special interests of public health and safety.

- posted by Owen Dwight Howse

 
Calling All Cars!
[Or private jets, or yachts, or, oh, I don't know... however we're getting around these days!]

If we Billionaires had our own color-coded alert system (and why don't we, by the bye?), I would personally sign the Executive Order to raise it to "orange" or what ever would translate as "come quick!" for I have just had some very upsetting news: one of our own is in serious danger of affluential demotion.

Ken and Linda Lay, those fine, upstanding pillars of Billionaire society, are in trouble of actually becoming [gasp!] mere millionaires! The unfortunate troubles visited upon our Dear Kenny have apparently drained the family's resources to the point of maybe having to give up a few of those fabulous homes, and vacations with the grandchildren may actually have to be restricted to points within the contiguous United States.

If we've ever needed to heed a call to action, this is it, my chickens! We cannot allow our friends to suffer the indignity of such abject poverty - the change of lifestyle on its own just may send poor Linda into shock. So let's rally, troops! I say we start a rescue fund - dig deep, everyone!

- posted by Lotta Cash