A Little Smog is OK
Oh what a beautiful mornin'
Oh what a beautiful PAY day
I've got a beautiful feelin'
Everything's goin' OUR way...

Looks to be a haze over most of northern Texas and southern Oklahoma-- Bush country. Which just goes to prove his faithful country folks are doing their part to support our industries! The Texas Commission on Environmental Quality recently issued its first red level warning in the Dallas-Fort Worth area. And everyone knows that a weakened ozone increases sunscreen sales! Not to mention, keeping our plastic surgeons in plastic treating all those wrinkles and squamous cells.

The American Lung Association has found that more than half of all Americans (159 million) "live in counties with unhealthy levels of either ozone or short-term levels or year-round levels of particle pollution. 46 million Americans live in counties where all three levels are unhealthy." We Billionaires want to thank our fellow Americans for continuing to throw caution to the wind! We know you love your SUV's- and so do we! They guzzle our gas, they take up double spaces in our lots and they demand high insurance premiums. Let's make sure your desires always win out against environmental concerns. Bush has proven his dedication to our dream- drilling in wildlife preserves, supporting market demand policies and invading oil rich countries. I say we all go out and buy a fleet of trucks. Better yet, let's buy the whole darn company!

- posted by Mary Dritch

 
Tightening the Rust Belt
More awkward than dining near one's rival at Elaine's, the campaign buses of George W. Bush and John Kerry were both spotted in the same notch of the Rust Belt yesterday. Both Dubya and Dull-ya were fighting for the Vote of the Little People this weekend, no enviable task when the masses are crying into their 50-cent beers over the loss of their sordid minimum-wage jobs.

The President braved the spume of the unwashed as he traveled through Ohio on Saturday, a state without whose 20 electoral votes no Republican has won the White House. While stumping in Canton, Mr. Bush faced a community still bristling with the news that its largest employer, the Timkin Co., will cut some 1,300 jobs from three ball-bearing plants in the area. Such shrewd belt-tightening will allow founder and Executive VP Tim Timken Jr. to maintain his prosperous business and remain one of Bush's biggest contributors. Nonetheless, on Saturday, amidst the applause stood some embittered workadays holding aloft signs reading, "Where are the jobs, George?" (*visit NYTimes.com, if you're on the VIP subscriber list)

Excuse me, but does no one see the folly in defending jobs at a ball-bearing plant? Who in America wants jobs requiring you to slave over a hot conveyor belt or... smelting iron or... whatever it is they use? Assembly-line workers, teachers' aides, bellhops: who among these workers wouldn't enjoy a wee break? In Ohio, job losses from May to June were greatest in the service-providing industries. This means that, during that month, 9,600 Ohioans were freed from the shackles of servile labor. If those workers are anything like my help, I would think they'd be giving a hearty hurrah!

As the President himself said in his rousing speech to another crowd in Cambridge, OH:

"We'll help American families keep something they never have enough of, and that is time, time to be with your kids, time to go to Little League games or Girl Scout meetings... time to improve themselves by going back to class."

Perhaps the disgruntled plant workers in Canton should heed his advice and take a class in etiquette, for they obviously owe the President a thank-you note.

- posted by Alexis Anna Rolles