Billionaire Bill Wastes Dividend on Charity
It's been an exceptionally sunny in Seattle these days, and the weather seems to have gone straight to Bill Gates' head. Showing a $60 billion cash-and-stock surplus, Microsoft has announced it will pay a one-time dividend of $32 billion to its shareholders, or three dollars per share. As chairman and chief shareholder, Gates stands to receive $3 billion personally.... and has decided to donate it all to the Bill and Melinda Gates Foundation, our Bill's kooky $30 billion side project dedicated to global health, education, public libraries, and support for at-risk (read: poor) families in Washington state and Oregon. "While our family foundation is making progress, there remain so many urgent needs and challenges that we must address together as a society," Gates' wife and charity co-founder Melinda said in a statement yesterday.

Well, yes, Melinda, you couldn't be more right. In other news, the Washington Post announced that in this year's fundraising race, the Dems are beating the GOP like a red-headed stepchild with a mouthful of potty swears. Based on reports from the Federal Election Commission, John Kerry and the major Democratic Party committees have raised more money from Jan. 1st to June 30th 2004 than Our President and Leader George Bush and the Republican national and congressional fundraising committees combined. This is the first time such a travesty has occured since that Dark Year of Our Lord, 1992 when, I don't need to remind you, a certain unwashed Arkansan got his grubby hands on just enough of the loot to win the White House. In June alone, according to numbers released today by the National Republican Congressional Committee (NRCC), the Democratic Congressional Campaign Committee (DCCC) has outraised the NRCC by $2.2 million, $9.2 mil to $7.0 mil.

Does Windows Boy realize what a fraction of his dividend could do to close this gap?? While we all know he can't simply cut a $3 billion check to the NRCC (thanks a lot, McCain-Feingold), he could at least invest in upping the production values in recent campaign commercials. I mean, the man 'invented' Windows (shut up, Steve Jobs) -- Couldn't he do something nifty with Windows MovieMaker? MoveOn.org is really kicking our heinies in the nifty smear-ad department. Clearly Gates, whose last act of patriotic spending was the unfathomably tiny amount allowed by federal election guidelines in September 2003, could stand to Do His Bit, as they say.

- posted by Alexis Anna Rolles

 
Another One Bites the Dust!
First Howard, then Whoopi, and now Linda Ronstadt: yet another celeb has lost big-time cash for criticizing our dear George W.
 
Ronstadt was booted out of the Aladdin Hotel and Casino in Las Vegas for dedicating a song to Bush opponent and anti-Billionaire menace Michael Moore.  Thankfully, the good executives running the Aladdin would have none of that.  "Ms. Ronstadt was hired to entertain the guests of the Aladdin, not to espouse political views," according to a casino spokesperson. 
 
Hear, hear!  Espousing political views should remain the sole provenance of Clear Channel, Halliburton, Fox News, Diebold Technologies, and other respectable corporations. 
 
 

- posted by Colin A. Faver

 
Hmong on Down!
Is everyone happy? I know my eyes are shining, and if I hadn't just gotten my latest round of Botox injections, I'd be smiling as wide as the number of zeroes at the end of my last bonus check... But if there are any of you out there who are looking for a reason to smile, you should arrange an introduction for yourself with NCPA Senior Fellow Bruce Bartlett.

I seriously doubt Mr. Bartlett is One of Us, but perhaps we should consider making him an honorary member... Just kidding! But he certainly is pitching in and lending a good ol' Billionaire Hand to the touchy topic of [gasp!] outsourcing. Apparently, Mr. Bartlett has done some research, and found all sorts of yummy reasons why outsourcing is the way to go. Increased product availability, a stronger demand for jobs here in the U.S. of A., raising the standard of living... I am positively shuddering with anticipation! And we already know that outsourcing maximizes business opportunities by reducing costs and all that wretched overhead. Now we know it's good for everyone!

We all know our Beloved G.W. has been a big supporter of outsourcing and was quoted on the subject back in February, calling it "just a new way of doing international trade." And that First Steps Program the EU is putting together really makes it so much easier to get started!

I was mulling these issues over in my pretty little head when one of my managers phoned me at the spa to tell me about yet another "labor issue" at one of my many processing facilities in the Midwest. I started thinking that it would be so much easier to just export all that tedious work to other countries, just as so many of you have... But then I turned the page in the paper and saw that more than 14,000 Hmong Loatians have been authorized by the U.S. State Department to resettle here . This imminent immigration, which I would ordinarily have written off as liberal-business-as-usual, has created a sunny patch on an otherwise dark cloud.

These Hmongs are used to earning somewhere around $200 a year; I'd be willing to pay them twice that! Just think: we could just import our workforce wholesale from some small country with a refugee problem. Who needs to outsource? We can just re-create their settlements here, near the factory (giving them the feeling of home) and put those eager beavers to work discovering the American Dream! As my dear friend Colin A. Faver said when I told him my idea, "We can outsource our labor without even leaving the country!"

The only question remains, whom do I contact? I'd like to place an order for 2,500...

- posted by Lotta Cash

 
Ken Lay Gets Bush 41's Blessing
Ain't it good to know you've got a friend?
 
Fellow Billionaire and former Enron chair Ken Lay, who faces up to 175 years in prison for his creative business practices, says he's received a message of support from former president George H. W. Bush, according to Friday's Financial Times.

Lay believes W. himself has refrained from calling him "for obvious reasons," and that he has returned the favor. No news there. The Prez and Lay have been keeping their distance for some time now, even though Lay and his wife have personally donated over 100K to Bush's election campaigns and 2001 inaugration, respectively, and nearly a billion dollars to Republican candidates. And despite their legal troubles, Enron remains high on the list of Bush's top donors -- and donations, as a recent study has proven, usually lead to contracts and other favors from the Bush Administration. (As well they should -- what are campaign contributions for?)

While we certainly understand Lay's need to play coy with the Bushes, we're glad to see that the old ties are still going strong. After all, Billionaire blood is thicker than water -- and it's certainly thicker than the billions of dollars that Enron siphoned from the citizens of California. As we all know, money works best when it collects in one person's pocket. Those middle-class Californians probably would have just blown it on groceries.






- posted by Colin A. Faver