Lee Iacocca: Billionaire Turncoat
Sad news, friends: Our onetime ally Lee Iacocca has endorsed John Kerry for President.

Among Iacocca's justifications for switching from Bush in 2000 to Kerry today is that Kerry supposedly supports "innovative new technologies." But don't be fooled: Chief among those innovative technologies is clean energy, which you and I know can only take the place of our own not-so-clean energy companies.

In the coming century, science will be one of the greatest threats to our right to choose profits over clean air, clean water, and the public health. Unlike Kerry, who pledges to "actually believe in science," and has the support of 48 unwealthy Nobel laureates, Bush has been consistently praised for ignoring or distorting science when it conflicts with Billionaire business interests.

Therefore, let us sadly relegate Lee Iacocca to the rank of BINO (Billionaire in Name Only). Perhaps he'd like a new job with an environmental research non-profit? We hear they pay in the five figures.


- posted by Colin A. Faver

 
Dick Cheney: Pushed to the Limit
Hasn't all this sniping about Halliburton gone far enough? Our poor, beleaguered Billionaire Vice President is cracking so much under the pressure that he cursed out Senator Patrick Leahy of Vermont during the Senate's formal photo shoot.

Leahy, as you know, has led the demand for a probe of Halliburton's access to fat, lucrative no-bid contracts. According to CNN, Leahy's harassment has left Cheney so emotionally distraught that he snarled the F-word at Leahy during what his spokesman tastefully describes as a "frank exchange of views."

Let that be a lesson to the anti-upper-class liberals: If you really want civility in government, stop asking so many questions!
- posted by Colin A. Faver

 
Cheney's Secret Energy Task Force Still a Secret
Our friends on the Supreme Court have come through for us again, fellow Billionaires: by a large margin, they've voted not to demand that Dick Cheney release the details of his secret energy task force meeting, which was attended by prominent energy magnates such as Ken Lay of Enron. The meeting resulted in many of Bush/Cheney's incredibly profitable, Billionaire-friendly environmental policies.

To be fair, most judges took a wishy-washy point of view and punted the issue back to a lower court. But pro-Billionaire justices Antonin Scalia and Clarence Thomas went the extra mile, writing that a federal court had "clearly exceeded" its authority by demanding the release of the task force records.

Scalia, as you remember, bravely refused to recuse himself from the case because he went on a duck-hunting trip with Cheney after the Court announced that it would hear Cheney's plea. At the time, Scalia wrote "If it is reasonable to think that a Supreme Court justice can be bought so cheap, the nation is in deeper trouble than I had imagined."

Hear, hear, Mr. Scalia. Buying Supreme Court justices, Vice Presidents, and other government officials is extraordinarily expensive (but well worth it)! If anything can be said of the mega-upper-classes, we're not stingy.

- posted by Colin A. Faver

 
Enron Billionaires Cheer as Lowly Millionaires Take Their Place in Prison
According to a report in the July 12, 2004 Sunday New York Times, former assistant treasurer of the Enron Corporation Lea Fastow will move into the Federal Detention Center, where she will serve a one-year sentence after pleading guilty to tax evasion. After reading the harrowing prison experience that awaits her, my fellow Elites should breathe a collective sigh of relief that we have such willing minions to take the fall for us when we need them.

After all, that’s what scapegoats are for. Thank our billions that it only costs millions to buy these corporate lackeys who are willing to put up with such dreadful conditions as windowless, “closet-sized cells,” and using the toilet “under the gaze of cellmates,” so that our brethren, the likes of Ken Lay & company, can go free without even having to face the common-folk hassle of being charged.

Being suspected is a heavy burden to bear, but at least it doesn’t change our magnificent lifestyle any. Could you imagine trading our gold plated abodes for a stainless steel hole under the auspices of a sweaty, bulging bunk mate named Lefty? No, No, No, we are Billionaires, and have invested many large fortunes in the George Bush White House to keep our names out of the legal system. All we have to do every now and then is throw in a few sacrificial legal lambs like this Fastow couple (yes, her husband, Andrew, is going away too,) and we keep the commoner’s thirst for justice quenched.

Yes, it’s a good day to be a Billionaire when the Millionaire under you takes your bullet.
We should send a fruit basket or something; I hear prison food is deplorable.

- posted by Monet Oliver d'Place