Billionaires for Bush Shine at the RNC!
Call us hopeless romantics, but we're still walking on air from last week's Republican National Convention. Never before was there a a more glorious convergence of power, privilege, and money. And never before did the Billionaires, unsung heros of the class war, shine so brightly. "A billion points of light!" exclaimed an awestruck George H.W. Bush.
The champagne corks were already popping as our Limo Tour arrived from the midwest in a stretch Humvee Saturday night, plowing over the rank bodies of scruffy justice-loving freaks gathering to heap scorn upon our Grand Old Party. "How's that for free speech?" roared Limo Captain Monet Oliver d'Place with a joyful tear rolling down his right cheek. "By God, it's good to be home!"
Billionaires gathered bright and early on Sunday for a delightful morning of croquet, bandminton, and other lawn sports in Central Park. The unsightly rabble-rousers were nowhere to be seen, thanks to fellow billionaire Mayor Bloomberg's ban on protests int he Park. As City officials explained, the grass was too expensive for the feet of mere commoners.
By midday hundreds of Billionaires representing over 30 states had gathered in front of the Plaza Hotel to kick off the Million Billionaire March. We proceded down 5th Ave, guarded by paramilitary escorts from the NYPD, provoking jeers, guffaws, and waves of class envy amongst the 500,000 anti-Bush marchers as we stole their media spotlight:
$ Washington Post (see the first entry)
$ The New Republic (username: igotalotta password: billions)
$ St. Petersburg Times
$ International Herald Tribune
$ USA Today
Other Billionaire activities at the RNC included vigils for corporate welfare, Billionaire flashmobs, and our Coronation Ball (attended by the spectacularly-dressed Andre 3000 of Outkast).
Throughout convention week we fed the Bush-Cheney campaign with a steady stream of talking points and keynote speeches, which they employed to perfection. We made the rounds of delegate parties and secured countless no-bid contracts from unnamed officials. Better yet, we had ample opportunity to conspire with Republican bigwigs like Newt Gingrich and Secretary of Labor Elaine Chao:
Alan Greenspend discusses progress
in the class war with Newt Gingrich
Lu Tenpillage and Sec'y of Labor
Elaine Chao share outsourcing tips
Every time our fearless President proclaimed "we're not turning back," our hearts went all a-twitter. If all goes well, we certainly won't be turning back: Not to the days when nickel-and-dime wage earners coasted on the free lunch of progressive taxation. Not to the days when the tyranny of the public interest thwarted the profitable exploitation of the environment. Not to the days when our finest corporations were forced to bid like common plumbers for government contracts. Not to the days when Big Business and government alike were straitjacketed by the soft Communism of "honest" accounting. And certainly not to the days when the top tier of the upper-upper-crust settled for anything less than the world and all its riches.