Billionaires for Bush — The Book!
You're popping over to Paris for lunch; do you lease a jet, or buy the whole plane? Getting into politics? — why rent the President when you can own?
Billionaires for Bush, the upper-crust pop stars of the 2004 election, have graciously assembled a primer for the ruling class, "How to Rule the World for Fun and Profit", with everything the really really rich know about breaking the rules everyone else has to follow:
• George W. Bush: An Owner's Manual (see below)
• Covering your Assets
• The 7 Habits of Highly Avaricious CEOs
• Rigging Elections, Tips and Tricks
• Survival Tips for Adventures Among the Middle Classes
This fine reader is now sitting pretty on bookstore shelves across America, and is available on Amazon.com, Powells.com, etc. But we rake in more moolah if you buy from our own online store:
Until you own the book, here's an appetizer to enjoy right now:
GEORGE W. BUSH: AN OWNER'S MANUAL
Congratulations on your purchase of "Dubya," the President of the United States, 2000-2004 model.* This release incorporates significant improvements on the earlier Bush model:
- simpler vocabulary/worldview
- increased pugnaciousness
- less sensitivity to public opinion
- more fun to have beer with
- does not require reading of lips
- does remove Saddam
- does not speak French
*Dick Cheney (purchased separately) required for operation.
TURNING YOUR PRESIDENT ON
Should the enclosed puppy, baseball game, apple pie, charming sorority wife or pretzel stick fail to start the president, try any of the following: NASCAR, Horses, the American Flag, a freshly cut check.
TURNING YOUR PRESIDENT OFF
Any of the following: Political debate, compound sentences, nuanced arguments, polling places.
LIST OF FEATURES
- Shifts tax burden from unearned to earned income.
- Declares wars (requires three weeks notice) and instigates smaller miscellaneous conflicts.
- Nominates at least one reactionary Supreme Court judge.
- Slices, dices and squelches information.
- Alienates nearly all historical allies.
- Converts budget surpluses into record-setting deficits.
- Polarizes public opinion.
ACTION FIGURE FUNCTIONS:
Fighter Pilot - Accessories: Aircraft carrier, flight-suit & cod-piece (not included).
Cowboy - Horse, cowboy hat, boots & jeans, wistful determined look in eye (included).
Tax cutting mode
Indicated by: Creased brow, lowered eyelid, clenched jaw, broken intermittently by nod and wink to rich friends. Found most often during campaign stops and fund-raisers, usually in conjunction with unsubstantiated promises of job growth.
Indignant self-righteous mode
Indicated by: Threats, references to sacrifice, heroism, God, and bravery; generally followed by invasion of sovereign nation.
Indicated by: Chip on shoulder; increase in swagger and bravado. "Bring 'em on!" Can also be followed by invasion of sovereign nation.
(Will revert to vacation mode if left alone more than one day.)
Indicated by: Proximity to Texas or Maine.
Frat Boy mode
(This mode has been discontinued.)
Can be operated remotely from bunker or other undisclosed location.
(This model not meant to operate autonomously.)
Should any of the following occur, IMMEDIATELY contact Karl Rove at the 24 Hour Support Hotline:
--LANDS ON AN AIRCRAFT CARRIER
--DECLARES END OF HOSTILITIES IN THE MIDDLE OF A WAR
--APPEARS IN PUBLIC WITHOUT PREPARED TEXT
--SQUANDERS SYMPATHY OF ENTIRE WORLD WITHIN TWO YEARS OF VICIOUS TERRORIST ATTACK
This is a profit-motivated president. In the event of prolonged inaction, fill with campaign contributions (coin slot located in rear).
PROPER CARE OF YOUR PRESIDENT:
DO NOT expose to network news outlets (other than Fox).
SHIELD your president from:
the media (unless extensively coached and supervised), bright light, facts, press conferences, demonstrations, sudden changes in cultural climate.
AVOID all contact with:
books (except Westerns, picture books and comics)
the middle classes (except for campaign appearances)
ACCESSORIES TO YOUR PREZ:
Flacks, yes-men, and neocons
Miniature VHF aural canal receiver chip, tuned to Karl Rove¹s matching transmitter
Segway scooter (discontinued)
Look for these other fine Presidential Products:
Ronald Reagan Dogmatizer & Original Non-Stick Fryer
Herbert Hoover Wealth Concentrator & Juicer
Richard Nixon Polarizer & Paranoia Ionizer
Warren Harding Prohibition Profiteer & Martini Shaker
With proper care, your President will, during a four year term, fulfill the previously specified actions and duties. This warranty is completely null and void in event of the following:
Weapons of Mass Destruction never materialize in his lifetime.
Electoral college is eliminated.
Ralph Nader drops out of race.
Dick Cheney dies of heart attack or lack of soul.
The polar ice caps melt.
TITLE: How to Rule the World for Fun and Profit
AUTHOR: Billionaires for Bush
PUBLISHER: Thunder's Mouth Press (an imprint of Avalon)
PUB DATE: August 16, 2004
PRICE: $11.95, paperback original