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eBay Auction Q&A
as of Tuesday afternoon, when the auction was pulled by eBay

Q: I don't know who you are, but I love you. Bush is the most clothes-free emperor we've ever had, and half of us don't see it. Amazing.

A: Clothes free?  Heh heh - even Laura don't get that privilege but twice a year. Though the other day, after one of my 4 daily naps, I woke up and my fly was undone.  Weird. –g

Q:I understand that you'll pass an overnight law permitting you to win the 2008 election and run a third term. Can you provide more details?

A: No, that's just a rumor.  Truth is, I can't wait to get back to my true hometown in New Haven, Connecticut.  All this down home talking, cowboy hat wearin, and tree choppin' down on the ranch is getting old.  I’m glad Karl turned me into a folksy, home spun "caricuratoricature", but I’d much rather go back to the mansion I grew up in.  It'll be easier, then, too, to yell ‘loser’ jokes from my bedroom window to John Kerry’s across the street. -g

Q: Read up a little on Chile's Social Security Plan. People actually get a raise when they retire there. I guess you are going to listen to anything that Dan Rather will tell you aren't you?
A: That's right!!! I love the Chile plan - and the fact that it's based on a 10% market growth rate is just the kind of realistic example I plan to follow. First, though, we've got to make the market hit rock bottom before we privatize, and in Chile that took a military coup, a dictator to make the switch, a currency collapse, and a few hard years of famine. I like the way you think!! Gotta break some eggs, right? -g

Q: Hey just to let you know, I like you ebay item for sale BUT you do know that you will have to pay 3% of the sales price to ebay right? Therefore, if this thing actually does sell for $99,999,999 you will be forced to pay Ebay 2.9 million. If you do not, they can actually take a lien on your home, auto and even garnish your wages. I would be very careful if I were you on putting an auction like this up.
A: I've already have a lien on the American People and their children; I call it the deficit for short. -g

Q: Competive bidding, George??!!!??? How can you expect billionaires to participate in that? Don't you listen to Dick at all?
A: He's away on a hunting trip and the boys on Wall st talked me into it - they assured me the American public and other hoi polloi would not be able to bid - I'm thinking we may have to cancel this auction if the public continues to insist on staking a claim for their own retirement security. -g

Q: I run a adult website: - and the Repub'z are stepping all over my feet and breathing down my neck...what should I do???
A: Get in line and do as you?re told, son. Financial rewards and peace of mind don't come to the brave, but the quiet. Besides, unless your name is Jeff Gannon, you nudie pictures are immoral. -g

Q: Since you have absolutely NO FEEDBACK, I can't trust you as a seller. What have you done to all of your negative feedback anyway? Where did it go? Is no one speaking up against you?
A: All negative feedback is properly cordoned off in the barbed wired Free Speech Zone miles and miles away from anywhere near me. Secret Service deals with anyone crazy enough to break out and come closer. Now, the FEE Speech zone is open to anyone willing to write me a nice check and/or nod their head yes to whatever I say. (cheering madly while wearing a red white and blue cowboy is encouraged, though) -g

Q: Can I pay for this item with dental gold? I've got a ton of the stuff just sitting in Swiss banks, and no other country will touch it. But I heard Americans have no historical memory, so I figure it's worth a shot. Any good?
A: We'll have to launder that through my daddy's banking connections. See someone at the office of Harriman Bank. If you need the address, Google "Brown Brothers Harriman" (aka Harriman Bank) and my pappy's name. -g

Q: I keep hearing these dirty, unemployed hippy liberals talking about something called the Fairness Doctrine. Is that part of this deal?
A: Exactly,- it reads: "it is fair to apply any doctrine that benefits those in power at the expense of everyone else." Let me give some examples: Ethics rule change, filibuster elimination, gerrymandering, last minute election rules changes (80 lbs card stock - heh heh - that's my favorite one). All of this may not be very democratic, but what good is being in charge if you can't make sure you stay that way? The bullying is just a bonus. -g

Q: Heh heh heh, no one has said it yet, so let me insert the standard, "Al Gore invented eBay." Heh heh heh. Good one, eh? Now back to the Yahoo message boards for me. Jeb '08!
A: Hey Jeb, nice to hear from you - still working those old Al Gore jokes, nice. A little dusty, sure, but we all love a sure thing. Yahoo, huh? On the ranch we say "YeeHA!!" but when my best friends, you know, the Saudi Royal family, come down to Texas they yell "Ji-HAD!!" but you can only tell if you listen really careful-like. -g

Q: how do you sleep at night?
A: I sleep quite soundly next to Laura. Occasionally though, I have nightmares about the angry poor, middle, and working classes, rising up against this plutocracy. When that happens I just walk over to Cheney's room and fall asleep secured by the sound of his strong breaths.

Q: Dear George: I was just wondering if you think that we also bid on AARP. They are getting rather pesky these days, oh my... Yours Truly Max Revenue
A: See above, please, and thank you, and God bless.

Q: Dear George: I was just wondering if you think that we also bid on AARP. They are getting rather pesky these days, oh my... Yours Truly Max Revenue
A: Dear Max, AARP is no match for the Will of this Administration and USANext - besides, all their members are aged and retired, and how long can they last? -g

Q: Say, GW, does that social "safety net" come with the winning bid? I'd like to use it for my tuna fishing boat fleet that I keep down in Bermuda. Is it strong enough to hold dolphins, too?
A: Bermuda? I recommend the Caymans - better tax shelter. As for the safety net - sorry, I've already save a place for it on a bookshelf in my Presidential Library right next to other favorites I've kept for myself like, Saddam's .45, my National Guard records, a favorite college beer bong and the first amendment.

Q: If I bid on this, do I get the money the government has already sucked out and spent, or am I just left with debt promises?
A: Shucks, friend, haven't you heard, I'm turning America in to the land of Promise!! For instance, if we turn the insurance of Social Security into a gamble on Wall St - I promise there won't ever be another collapse. You see who that works? -g

Q: I happen to know a couple of Republicans, but they aren't stockbrokers themselves, and so they were wondering if they were gonna get a piece of this Pork Pie, too. F'rinstance, how many square feet of Alaska Wilderness do they get for their vote? Is it enough land to build a shack on when THIS country's economy tanks, the riots start, and the "Lower-48" aren't safe for Republicans anymore? And how many carribou can they expect on those few feet of land - things like that. Thanks for your help!
A: You'll have to talk with Dick about Alaska - that's his territory - but there's a line building outside his office right now so you'd better get here soon. -g

Q: Do you take Visa?
A: As long as you can clear - sure - and, like I said earlier, as long as your children have signed the back of it. ?g

Q: Are you shipping abroad? Kjell Magne Bondevik, Prime Minister of Norway
A: Of course we are shipping abroad! That is, in terms of the $5 TRILLION in debt we'll have to borrow from overseas in order to pay for the transition!! That's more money we'll owe foreign countries like China. Or, as we say in Crawford, selling the ranch to save the farm.

Q: How do you plan to ship this item?
A: On the backs of the old, infirm, orphaned, and widowed, how else? ?g

Q: Is it okay with you if I sell my kids to China to finance this? I was also thinking of just devaluing the dollar so it would be easier to pay back the debt. :) You should put a whole bunch of things up with this: White House, for sale- Buy one "Moral Values" get 1 Swiftvet attack ad for free, etc. :) good work
A: You can't sell your kids, no. But you can continue to buy cheap goods made by Chinese kids. You see? Who says I don't care about the little people?

Q: I'm a little short on cash right now, plus I just went to the doctor, so I'll be short on cash for the next couple months. But by that time do you think there's a chance you'll be auctioning off what's left of Alaska, since ANWAR's already been pawned??? I also notice you're feedback number is zero, meaning you have no experience on eBay--IN SHORT NO TRACK RECORD WITH THE AMERIKAN PEOPLE. That's ok--us Amerikans {cough} elected {cough} a president in 2000 with the same impressive resume. I'm sure there's no buyer's remorse in either case. GOD BLESS TOM DELAY--AFTER WE PULL THE PLUG ON DEAR OLD TOM, THAT IS
A: No worries if you're short on cash parder, we'll just borrow more from your children, and their children, and their children's children. I like to think of it as leaving a legacy behind - I've got you covered. -g

Q: George is gettin UPSET! George doesn't like all these people making fun of him. George will pray for all the poor people. George feels much better.
A: Who is this? Don't you know that my God is better than your God? I'm not upset - I love all of my God's children Sheesh-

Q: If I buy it, can I just continue having the the government run it, and still make lots of money off John Q. Public? I'm currently too busy "privatizing" IRAQ!
A: No, sorry, the plan is to divert more and more money to the Brokerage houses on Wall St. Eventually doing away with the system all together - It's all right here in this CATO institute report: Of course, I didn't read it - I have people who summaritize things like this for me ? george

Q: Can i just charge it to by "Let-The-Next-Generation-Worry- About-It" credit card?
A: As long you your children sign the back of it, sure!! -g

Q: Social Security...I'll take it as long as ya throw in a couple of Nuclear Subs with it. Hey.. should'nt the Bush administration have a Dept.of STUPIDITY....would cover a lotta bases..saving money for even more stupidity..Wahtcha Think?
A: ?Throw in a couple of subs - who are you, al queda?? The idea is to BUILD the military industrial complex while shrinking government - or as we like to say, Small Government, BIG Wars. Now shucks, I know you're wonderin' "if we shrink government down to the size of a pea and increase the war machine to the size of government, who controls who?" To that I?d like to remind you to watch what you say. You are either with us, or against us. -g

Q: Does this item come with a Certificate of Authenticity issued by the Franklin Mint? I'd hate to find I'd been hoodwinked by a clever know, kinda like the Medicare Prescription bill. Anonymous in Congress
A: It's been my experience that people can only be hoodwinked one of three ways: they believe the lie, they profit from the lie, or they don't speak up loud enough against the lie. As with the Medicare Prescription bill and the Limit Victims Rights Bill (aka tort reform), that was all marketing and, helpfully, largely ignored by an American public too busy talking about Social Security. Funny how that works, isn't it? -g

Q: I was just wondering, since lately you seem to be into this -praying in the White House is cool and good thing-, I just have to ask you, who would Jesus bomb?
A: Heh heh - you, there's a funny story about that, for a lifelong pacifist, we've made him the Official Sponser of almost every major war since about 500AD. In Crawford we have a saying about it - Once plucked, you can wear the feathers of a dove many different ways. -g

Q: What a fabulous idea! I can't believe no one thought to sell this to us sooner. It's not like the little people can use it! Next can we see a sale of free speech and civil liberties? Just a thought, Ann Heiress
A: Well, Ann, we like to call it FEE speech and corporate liberties, as for the common people, I believe I have some cake here somewhere...

Q: For an additional fee, could the airspace over Canada be included? (Ownership, not usage)
A: Sorry, the welfare of America's seniors, orphaned, widowed and infirm are the only things we're auctioning off here. Try back again soon, though - g

Q: How about combined shipping? What if I bought Glacier Park too? I notice you have no feedback, so I am wondering about your ability to follow through on your promises. Well, as long as you promise to leave no billionaire behind- wait, I think we will all be left behind, well, I will have to ask LaHaye about that, heh heh.
A: Now, I already sold off most of our National Parks to mining rights - haven't you heard, we called it the "Healthy Forest Initiative!!" HA HA - suckers. It's a good thing the American people can't read these answers, just me and you fine folks: pre-selected and thoroughly screened corporate bidders. Kind of reminds me of my appearances during the re-election campaign!

Q: Dew Whuuut??? All this and Alaska, too?? This is the best dad gum deal ah've ever seen on ebay! Thanks Dubya! Heck, yer jest gittin' started...!! -- Yankee Blue in Tex-ass
A: Just gettin' started is right - what till you see what the Schwarzenegger Administration is able to pull off - or, should we say, pull OVER on the American people!

Q: Don't even think about sending an IOU.
A: IOU? The American People will you - BILLIONS of dollars in FEES!! -george

Q: George! Stop this ebay nonsense or no desert for you, young man. -Dick Cheney
A: Darn it Dick. Where you've been hidin'? I haven't seen you around lately? Thought you were off huntin' again with Justice Scalia prepping him for how we want him to behave as Chief Justice.

Q: Do you think this is why Dumbya didn't want to put SS in Al Gore's "LOCK BOX"? How can my money NOT be there? I already paid it in! Hey GWB DON'T TOUCH MY STASH! Rock On!
A: Lock box - heh heh - wish I could put those Democrats in a lock box. You funny - remind me to tell you the lock box joke about Laura and drinkin' the next time I see you. shh - george

Q: Well phooey.... eBay says I must bid at least 100,000,099.00 and I tried to but it wouldn't accept my check! Sheeze, Do you think that is the fault of that spend crazy george bu$h & his bad checks?
A: Bad checks? Don't you know the Ownership Society is only open to those who can write GOOD checks? And trust me, there's a proper vetting system in place to keep the underclasses out of the club! Phooey nothing. -george

Q: I wanna buy this. I really do...but I need my feeding tube reinserted, Dubya.
A: That is, of course, unless you are a 6-month baby and I am the governor of Texas, or at least, so I heard on a clip shown on tonight?s ?Daily Show? - danged show ? calling me out reminded me of past deeds. Of course I don?t watch it ? but the darned staffers and secret service can't turn it off!

Q: I am a 62 yr old disabled Granny Against George so I must bid on this item. It will use up that magnificent SS check but what the hay! This it too funny. I lifted the page to save just in case eBay has no sense of humor.
A: Granny's Against George? Well, my, that's a heck of a thing to say - reminds me of my prom! george

Q: fabulous, fabulous, fabulous
A: Thank you thank you thank you - a donation to would be a great way to show your love. That or, heck, just slip me a check at the next benefit dinner in DC.

Q: hi i have some juggs of oil in back of my house will you take that as a down payment...
A: Haven't you heard, we just took over a whole COUNTRY full of oil, so no partner, not good enough, but heh heh, thanks for stoppin' by. -g

Q: hi will you be auctioning off health care and well we get a special deal for medication...
A: Healthcare? Who needs healthcare? Wealthcare!! We say, wealthcare!! -g

Q: I'm juiced about this offering! What else do ya' got for sale? I'll buy it all! Just wrap it in that there parchment paper and we'll just call it cash and carry ... OK? I'm serious--- I'll buy what ever you got to sell off.
A: You're going to have to visit our online store at Also check out our good friends at Thank yu, george

Q: What kind of tax incentive will you give my company if I buy this?
A: Tax incentives? Who's incentivated by taxes? A few more years of GOP rule and soon only the poor, middle, and working classes will pay taxes! The rich shouldn't pay taxes, they pay salaries. Just don't mention that they use the highest % of society's infrastructures like the courts, the roads, the communication systems... They also profit the most from these systems - but no, they shouldn't pay a higher % to use them - not at all. That's what the left doesn't understand, corporations are people, too.

Q: If I put in a pre-emptive bid for Medicare too, will I be able to get a discount? Yours in playing fair and square, Tom Delay
A: Tommy boy, how are you? You and Frist are really tearing it up on that Florida case. Consider it a personal favor to my brother, Jeb, one that won't be forgotten soon. By the way, nice work on waiting till I was on vacation on the ranch - flying back to Washington was a great photo-op, almost as good as Mission Accomplished. Oh, right, never mind. Anyway, you slippery suckers won't be getting me to give up the cat that easy, as per my last response, Medicaid is meant to go broke while the country debates lesser problems.

Q: When are you auctioning off Medicaire & Medicaid? I live in an ownership society you know.
A: At this time we have no plans to auction off Medicare or Medicaid. You see our plan there is to divert the attention of the entire country while those programs go bust in real time, like, now, as they say in Crawford. As for you living in the ownership society, please send the white house your financial records, it's not exactly a come one come all kind of club. ? george

Q: I'd like to bid, but the computer at eBay won't let me -- WAAHHH!!! So, I'm just going to ask a question that's got me mystified, Duby
A: Are you for real or does someone at the white house just keep a puppet around with a stick up its *umm* posterior to flap around and be America's own in-house jester when other world leaders come to town?
A: heh heh. You'd be surprised how often I get that question . I'm sorry eBay won't let you bid, I guess they don't recognize billion dollar bids and we've hit a ceiling. Like Wolfie likes to say in Baghdad, "wow, didn't see THAT coming!!!

Q: Do I get all the wacky grammas and creaky grandpas who currently are receiving Social Security benefits? What do you think I could get for them if I turned around and re-auctioned them on eBay? Would they be worth more with their benefits, or on their own?
A: Seniors aren't wacky, they're just old. And let me make it clear, and I'm sure my press secretary can attest to this, we have no plans to trade seniors themselves, just their well-being in retirement. -george

Q: Would you consider adding the rest of Alaska (the portion not recently sold) to this auction to save on shipping costs? Or maybe throw in Syria or Venezula?
A: Sorry, we've saved Alaska for the oil companies - while Exxon/Mobil and Shell may be traded on Wall St, there's no space in the boiler rooms to hold all the caribou. As for Syria and Venezuela, I don't know them personally, are they friends with my daughters? He he - coalition of the willing, you know what I mean? ?george

Q: Given the "special" nature of this auction, will you consider alternate forms of payment? Such as, oh, say unregistered diamonds, Kruggerands and the like? Possibly certain works of art that perhaps have been "missing" for a while, that sort of thing?
A: Well, I already wear Saddam's pistol in my hip and don't care too much for art (unless you have "Dogs Playing Pool," I love that one but Laura won't let me keep one around the house). I will accept only cash - the American people can take care of the rest with a nice, hefty deficit.

Q: This is the best item I've ever seen on ebay. Thank You!! Melissa
A: Take a good long look before it's gone, once Social Security is in the hands of Wall St, you'll be talking about the good old days of yore to your grandkids.

Q: At what point would our firm be able to halt any further payout of "benefits"? Cordially, Feel T. Reesh Gahl
A: Well, benefits will be based on the rate of return at the time you retire. Like a dice game. What do you care if your neighbors didn't invest as smart as you did - that's their problem, just like I don?t care if you don?t do as well as some others. And that's the genius. We've taken a social program where everyone helps pay into a system that takes cares of each other, and turned it into a system where everyone is in it for themselves. But, don't worry, there won't be another Enron or Worldcom, trust us.

Q: You guys rock!! Thanks for giving me a huge laugh!! A hopeful Dem
A: Haven't you heard? We control all three branches of government and we're drunk on power!! Be it changing the ethics rules to protect our fellow republicans, rewriting the two century old filibuster rule to eliminate debate. Let's see, then there's gerrymandering to eliminate challengers and a constant state of perma-war to keep the citizen-folk scared out of their wits, and in other words, the Dems have no hope! Wow ? I haven?t been this articulate in years!! -george

Q: George... will you be auctioning off no-bid contracts any time soon? Sincerely, Hallie Halliburton
A: Why howdy Hallie, didn't I say never to bring that up in public? Aw, shucks, you're just a salt of the earth billion dollar contractor, you don't know better. Well, as you know, all those juicy contracts in Iraq are spoken for, but no worries, you can start planning that dream Iranian mansion now... But please, for future reference, run these questions through Dick's office, he makes all the calls on this and doesn't like it when I get in the middle of things.

Q: What will happen to those people who are currently too old to "enjoy" these private accounts, and too young to be among those whose benefits are still "guaranteed"? Will we continue to pay in at current levels, but "enjoy" reduced benefits? In other words, are we SOL?
A: SOL is a relevant term. As you know, my "base" are the "have mores", who, coincidentally, don't have any need at all for Social Security. That others will suffer is only a necessary side effect, you know, like the citizens of Iraq, I mean, collateral damage, dying for Democracy at the wrong end of a bunker bomb. You gotta break some eggs, partner, if you want to enjoy breakfast.

Q: The future value of this item will depend on favorable legislation and court decisions to protect the buyer from liability for "misusing" it(e.g. "price gouging"). Will you be making any Senators, Supreme Court justices, etc. available on Ebay in the near future?
A: All fees that brokerage houses will charge ($279 Billion) are based on moderate estimates, and in no way reflect "price gouging", or, we say say back on the ranch, a spit in the eye.

Q: Does this item include lists of the people that depend on Social Security as their major source of income? If I win, and after I dissolve, oops, "privitize" it, I'd like to sell the lists to slum lords. It would be an "added value" item.
A: This item, or, scheme as we like to call it, to privatize social security is good for people. That it is good to those people who don't actually need social security - well, that's just a bonus. -george ps. don't forget - once the winning pays they get two tickets to our March 31st Ball!!! And that's darn tootin', as we say in Crawford.

Q: How much is shipping?
A: Shipping costs, also known as TRANSITION COSTS are detailed throughout - $ Also known as transition costs transferring fees are estimated to cost an average of $4,900,000,000,000 (that?s almost $5 trillion) in the first 20 years alone! $ But don?t worry! All transition fees will be covered by the American Public! now, if you are talking about tickets to NYC upon payment once the $10 million dollar reserve is met - well, that's about $1.15.

Q: Should I buy stock in cat food and dog food now?
A: I recommend stock in any of the defense industries -george



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